Family

One week ago today, was the first Monday of Spring Break. When I went to sleep on Sunday night, I was so excited about sleeping in that I was having trouble falling asleep. Instead of awaking around noon as I had hoped, my eyes opened around 6:00. I knew I didn't have to get up, so I smiled and hunkered down further in the covers. The light had just begun to fill the room. It was that early morning light that looks more like the sun going down, than when it is rising. That primordial light creeps into the room and casts a blue shade onto everything in it's path. A memory flooded me.

There were so many early mornings, especially on weekends, that I would wake right around this time. I would look at my sleeping husband and notice that the blue cast made his brown Italian skin darker than normal. Then I would sit up ever so slightly to peek at the boys. It never failed that they would be sharing a bed sleeping as yin and yang. I would lay down again, smiling. My eyes would sweep over all of the imperfections of our house, and still, I would be smiling. The thought that constantly ran through my head was, "I love my family."

I would be fidgety enough at this point where Dan would have awakened and I would tell him, "I love our family." He would give a grin. That grin said to me a few things: 1. I'd like you to shhhhhh, because I am sleeping, 2. I think it's funny that you consider the dogs we rescued our sons, and 3. I love our family, too. It was mornings like this that led to our wedding song being "Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5.

Even though the family dynamic has changed, Dan will always be a part of it. This past Monday, I continued to think of how much I love my family. My mother and step father are the two most supportive people I know. They back my every decision with love. They comfort me when I need to be a child again, because the world is too cruel. They look at me with pride in their eyes. My father and step mother share in that support. I am still daddy's little girl, and if I hurt, so does he. My sister...I could spend hours on dictionary.com to find a word that encompasses all that she is to me, but when I put my mind to it, all I come up with is everything. She is everything to me. Ryan is the best brother-in-law in the world, and his entire family has taken me in, as if I were blood related. Lilly owns my heart. My friends are extensions of my family, and I pray I treat them that way, so that they always know it. Easter Sunday was spent at Heidi and Billy's and again, I am treated by their family, as one of their own. And now there is Nick.

One week later, and early this morning, I dropped Nick off at the repair shop to pick up his car. We went to get coffee and then parted ways. I had a stupid grin on my face the whole way home. There are so many things about that man that make me smile, I don't even think he knows. I thought about last night and how he and his father spent the holiday with me and Merediths/Lyons/McDonels. I flashed back to a text I received from Gretchen, Heidi's sister. She told me that it was amazing to witness Dan with us, shining down on me last night at dinner. I can only believe that is Dan's way of telling me and others that he is proud of me, and that he shines in my happiness.

It is an amazing feeling to be happy again.

I think the future will always be a scary concept to me. I know all too well, that I can't control any of my plan, or the plan of others. I can only pray. I pray that there will come a time when I wake in the blue light, every morning. I will sit up and (hopefully) look over at a man who accepted the broken parts of a widow, and knew how much more love she had to give. Then my glance will turn to the boys, but as I slowly raise up, I will also be listening down the hallway for little sounds made by baby sons or daughters. I will remember my past, and everything that has made me the person I am. I will whole heartily and without taking one second for granted, cherish the present. I will thank the Lord for my many blessings and continue to say..."I love my family."

"If the family were a container, it would be a nest, and enduring nest, loosely woven, expansive and open. If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together, but separable-each segment distinct. If the family were a boat, it would be a canoe that makes no progress unless everyone paddles. If the family were a sport, it would be baseball: a long, slow, nonviolent game that is never over until the last out. If the family were a building, it would be an old but solid structure that contains human history, and appeals to those who see the carved moldings under all the plaster, the wide plank floors under the linoleum, the possibilities." ~ Letty Cottin Pogrebin

The Dreams Continue

Why are most of the dreams I have about Dan not ones that I'd like to remember? I had a dream the other night (again) that Dan came back. I am constantly trying to convince him to get to a doctor and he never wants to listen to me. We were at a party and all he wanted to do was spend time with his friends. He was annoyed with me and annoyed that I kept telling him that there was something wrong with his heart. He laughed at me and said, "Yes, clairvoyant Tiffin...I'm sure I'm going to die soon, sure." I started to cry and he told me that I always made a scene to get attention. I woke up, confused and angry. Dan- If you are going to come to me in a dream, will you at least try to be a little nice?

I don't understand why we have to fight in my dreams. Are these issues that I feel were never resolved with us? There was no "closure"to our relationship and I wonder if subconsciously I am trying to "work out" problems and find answers to questions I consciously know I won't have answered until the day I am called Home.

If I had these answers, would it make me less panicky when Nick walks out of the door? Less anxious when my loved ones don't respond right away to a phone call or text? Would I still have the timorous feeling when someone talks about a gym or running on a treadmill?

I never thought I would do many of the things that I've done since Dan has died. For example, I just KNEW I would be alone, lonely, unable to be loved, and unable to love. As I type, Nick is laying by side. He probably thinks he is still watching TV, but he has dozed off. As I look at him, my heart fills with warmth and the butterflies have a party in my stomach. I can't believe I have found another best friend in a man.

That being said, maybe one day my tremulous way of thinking will be proven wrong as well. There is so much happiness in my life right now (my precious Lilly who I love so much it hurts, my new nephew to be, Roman, the laughs I can only have with my sister, the fact that I am going to be a Godmother, spring break 3 days away, wet kisses from my boys, and yes, the cutie pie that is next to me right now) that when these "episodes" of panic and fear happen, I feel like I momentarily take two steps back.

On a funny "dream note" I had a dream the other night that I was part of a math club and I took it very seriously. If you know me, you are cracking up right now.

Daffodils

Last year around this time I remember posting an angry blog, something about "stupid daffodils" and the fact that Mother Nature could be so insensitive to my broken heart. How was this beautiful daffodil sprouting from the dirt when my life was so impenetrable by the sun? I distinctly remember a night when I took out the trash. I rolled the trashcan over one of the daffodils and it felt good. I then proceeded to stomp, crush, kick, and tear the rest of the innocent flowers from the still cold ground. I cried the angriest tears a human cry. Afterwards, I came inside and fell on my knees. I was covered in dirt and tears and I was alone. I kept telling myself...you will always be alone, this is it, you will always feel like this, why is everything just "continuing" to exist when you so badly want it to cease completely?

I am thankful my life did not cease. I am thankful that during those times of pure despair, I was never really alone at all.

Recently those same flowers have found their way to the surface again. Smiling every day at the sun that begins to hit them in the wee hours of the morning. I began to notice them sprouting one day as Nick and I were walking out of the house. I, for a split second, remembered the anger, hurt, and fear that came with the newness of Spring last year. Then as fast as it came on, it was gone. Left in my heart and on my face, was a smile. Had Nick turned around and seen the cheesy smile on my face, he'd probably wonder if I was hittin' the sauce that morning! But, for those short minutes I felt an overwhelming sense of pride about how far I've come down this winding road. And as I hurried to catch up with him, and grabbed around his arm, I felt ready for whatever the future has to offer.

Because those daffodils are growing haphazardly in the, "flower bed" (and I use that term extremely lightly) I am going to dig them up tomorrow. I will make a bouquet and take them to the cemetery. Dan and I spent long hours and days working in the yard every spring and fall making it pretty, but you would never guess it now. I let my apathy for anything beautiful and anything that required energy to push me deeper into my shell, last year. My shell has since cracked and the coldness has lifted off of me like fog over a bay. I want to take to Dan some of the resplendent fruits of his labor. I am going to tell him that everything bright and beautiful will always remind me of his smile. I will lay the flowers over his name as I tell him (even though he already knows) that I am okay. Not just okay, but good.

A light exists in spring

not present on the year

at any other period

~Emily Dickinson

Heavy

I have written before of my anxieties and fear of abandonment by my loved ones since the passing of Dan. Some days are better than others. Some days my thoughts are not consumed by the possible losses my soul might endure. Other days, the thoughts of mischance lay heavily on my heart.

Last Friday, I turned on the Today Show as I was getting ready for work. The news was teeming with coverage of the Earthquake in Japan. When word of tragedy enters my brain these days, it's different than before. I truly believe that I can feel other's pain. I laid my hand on my heart. I do this often now, and am not sure if it is because I physically feel the pain in my heart, or, because I know how vital the heart is to life.

I say a silent prayer. It starts as a general prayer for those affected. This prayer makes me feel as small as a grain of sand on the bottom of the vast ocean. My thoughts shift to the pain I know of first hand. I think of the widows, especially the young ones. I think about how they woke up on a Friday morning, with plans of the weekend dancing in their head. They rolled over and touched the shoulder of their husband, never imagining it was last time they would see them alive. My mind swirls. I think of the young widowers, then parent-less children, fearful mothers, daughters, fathers, sons. How can nature: strong, powerful, untimorous, incredibly beautiful, also be so cruel and unmerciful? How do you comfort the ones catastrophe has been afflicted upon?

Keep praying Tiffin. Remember that YOU ARE as small as that grain of sand. You will never know the answer to "why" as long as you walk this earth. These people have a plan, just like you. It might not be the plan they saw for themselves, but there will be light on their road, just like there was on yours. Pray that they see the beauty in that light, sooner than later.

Calamity such as this, adds to the weight on my chest. When will I be able to not fear for the lives of the ones I love? Will there be a day when I only enjoy the love, and not have thoughts of loss in the back of mind?

Like the wild creatures of the world, I have learned to greatly appreciate the survival of the day. I would like also, to come into the peace of not taxing my life with the forethought of grief.

A New Chapter

Yesterday my last surviving Grandparent, my Mother's Mother passed away. Stella Lawson Phelps lived a good long life.

It was raining yesterday. It was raining when I woke up in the morning, and it was raining when I got the news of her passing. This seems to be a pattern for loss in my life. The night Dan was brought Home, the rain was puddling everywhere my eyes darted. I hated the rain for the longest time. Every time I saw the ominous sky I would curse God and my existence here. And when the sun decided to come out, I would curse it too, catechizing its reasoning for my torture.

I don't remember the exact day that I stopped hating the rain, and I don't remember the exact day that I stopped hating the sun when it rose, what I do know, is that I look at both of these phenomena as blessings from a Creator that will one day give me all the answers I seek.

The rain drops that fell yesterday were the happy tears of my Grandmother's friends, family, and her beloved husband, my Grandad, greeting her as she entered the pearly gates. I spoke to my Grandma on Friday. She was not alert, but I believe she heard what I was saying. I told her to hug Dan for me. Really, I told her to give him a HUGE hug (because that always made him uncomfortable and I think it's funny). I also told her to go ahead and call him by the wrong name, because she always did. In between the tears that streamed down my face, I smiled, and prayed for my Grandma's peace. The whole room was crying, not sobbing, but soft tears of goodbye. I looked at my sister in this solemn moment and couldn't contain my laughter. She was wiping her precious tears off of her face (with the cheapest toilet paper know to man), and had some stuck to her face. I am not talking about a little toilet paper, Jaime had actually paper-mached her cheek, and I couldn't stop the giggles. Straight out of the movie, "Steel Magnolias" Jaime and I smiled and said, "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." And this remains true.

My favorite emotion is laughter, that being said, I am invariably trying to guide myself toward happiness. This past December, I literally stumbled into my new found happiness.

I met a tall drink of water by the name of Nick Smith, and the best part about us is that we became instant friends. I wasn't looking for anyone, and frankly, didn't know if it was possible. I am so happy we took a chance on each other. I knew that it would take a strong man to be with a widow. "Ghosts of Husbands Past" has to be an uncomfortable, and even concerning way to start a relationship, but he did. He accepts me for who I once was, he likes me for who I am, and respects who I strive to be. I appreciate his acceptance, am intrigued by his mind, warmed by his soul, and never take one of our many laughs together for granted. (I also happen to love his crooked little smile)

Every little step on this journey has been new and scary. This particular step is scary in a fun way.

Before I changed my relationship status on Facebook today, I wondered what my widowed friends would think, Dan's friends, my friends. I then remembered all the support I've gotten over the past year and longer. There is no one that is of importance in my life, that wants to see anything but my happiness. And for that, I thank you.

This is the beginning of a new set of chapters. A new story, a different path off the same winding road. Continue to walk with me friends, now in the light, since it is because of you that I shine.

Today is a snow day. I was lazy with my boys this morning, then began to get some things accomplished. In the widow-world, I made some huge accomplishments today, however, I can't write about them yet. I'd like to share them with you, but there are some people following my writings to use them against me, instead of following my writings to walk with me on my journey. Instead of sharing my small triumphs with you (which is always more inspirational) I am going to share two feelings I have had since December 31, 2009.

Panic and Fear of Abandonment

I will start with the very scary emotion of panic. When Dan had been at the gym longer than 2 hours, I was concerned. I wasn't overly concerned, and to be honest, I might have been a little annoyed. I was annoyed because I was hungry, I had put a pizza in the oven, it was finished, and I really wanted to eat it. I also wanted to wait for him to get home, so we could eat it together. A few unresponded to texts, and a couple of phone calls that left me with his voicemail, turned that concern into a touch of fear. Fast forward to the phone call from the police at the hospital and my crazed state getting to Howard County General. That feeling had now turned into panic.

Present Day: I am here, I am smiling, I am moving forward with my life. But wait, there is that feeling...panic. I can't get a hold of Jaime...panic. I try Ryan's cell because I can't reach her, no answer...panic. Someone I love walks out my front door...panic. Should I run after them and tell them I love them? Have I said I love you enough to them, so that they know? How many times can you tell someone to be careful, drive safely...etc, before you are no longer just a concerned loved one, you are a psycho?

When will my racing heart and panic stop? Am I going to fear the uncontrollable for the rest of my life? Is this why my blood pressure it that of a 90 year old man who has only eaten fast food his whole life?

This is where my fear of abandonment comes in. I get scared sometimes that my psycho tendencies might scare someone away. I try and lock up my fear most of the time, but, I know that most see it in my eyes. I hug harder and longer than most. I take a mental picture of faces before I leave or they leave. I am always thinking..."What if this is the last time I see this person." I HATE THAT! Just sitting here at my computer, writing this, has my heart pounding. I am thinking of the faces of everyone I love and praying that God will keep them safe always.

Lord~ Keep my loved ones safe and happy. Let none know first hand of the panic and fear I carry. Help me enjoy the peace of the day, and not waste precious minutes worrying about things only You can control. Let the ones that I adore, know that I adore them, in case there were ever a time I not be able to say it myself. Thank you for the old and new people you have placed on my path. Thank you for the light and guidance you have given on this journey. Allow me to continue my smiles, my strength, my courage, and allow me to do this without hate and fear. ~ Amen

An Unexpected Change

I love children, I love my students, and I LOVE the things that come out of their mouths sometimes.

Today, we were reviewing a lesson on "change." There are 5 generalizations that can be made about change: It is linked to time, it is random or orderly, natural or caused by humans, change is everywhere, and finally change is expected or unexpected.

I asked the students to give me some examples of these different generalizations. I am always amazed at some of the things they come up with that I never would. I sometimes wish that I had uninhibited, unguarded thinking. One of my students raised his hand and said, "Mrs. Shriner, you didn't expect that your husband would die, you've probably had to make a lot of changes because of that."

I don't think that I took a breath for a while. He caught me off guard, but what a connection! Yes, my life has taken a very unexpected change, and many things have differed because of it. Some of the other students looked at him in a manner as if to say, "what are you doing???" But, I didn't mind, it was a teachable moment. I spoke briefly of perseverance. I spoke of strength, friendship, and courage.

Amongst the beautiful quiet faces, my newest student, a bright little girl, smiled and said, "Mrs. Shriner, you are the most lively person I have ever met, I would have never thought you have been through such tragedy." What a compliment. If that is what they are seeing, I know I have come far, considerably far.

The somberness of the talk took a humorous turn when another precious student said, "Well at least you're beautiful and someone else is bound to love you." Then, another chimed in and said, "And your not even too old to have babies, so if like that's what you want, you still can."

Yes, my darlings, I want. I want many things for a full life. That includes never wanting to miss a precious talk with the young minds that will one day run this world.

Over a year ago, I felt like a large stone that had been dropped without warning into a cold river. Today, I am the ripples on the wake. I am reaching out, grasping, feeling, and attaining all that this short life has to offer.