One Step Forward, Three Steps Back

In some ways it seems like forever ago that I was starting my first "new" school year without Dan, in some ways it seems like yesterday. Tomorrow will begin the school year for 2011-2012.

I've continued down this winding road, and am in a very different place than I was at the start of the last school year. With every passing day, I got stronger. I fell in love again, I've made new friends, new family members were introduced to the world, I ran 4 half marathons, and the issues involving Dan's estate are on the path to being made right.

Yet, again, I find myself with a heavy heart.

I woke up this morning and made coffee and a smoothie for breakfast. I walked outside and felt the warm sun hit my skin in between the blowing short breezes. I thought of the things I wanted to do today (my last day off). I want to run, make sure I'm set for tomorrow, do Marlo's exercises with him...etc. Then all of a sudden it hits me. It is actual pain that shoots from my chest to my bellybutton. My mom is sick, my mom is really sick and there is nothing I can do to make it better. My mom is in pain, emotionally and physically, and there is nothing I can do to make it better. My mom has a really long hard road in front of her and there is nothing I can do to shorten it. The guilt of planning out my day, feeling good, singing along with the radio permeates throughout my body. Now I'm sick, my stomach hurts.

I am really scared. I am also angry and confused. My mother has lived her entire life for the Lord. He is always first, He is always the answer, He is our strength. I don't understand how a woman who has dedicated her life to living and preaching His Word has to suffer. Shouldn't she be a candidate for a pass, a freakin' get out of jail free card? I remember this part of the road from losing Dan. I am mad and trying to answer questions that can not be answered by anyone here on this Earth. It doesn't stop me from asking them, though.

Keep those prayers going for the days that I get too upset to pray. For the days that my words to the Big Man turn ugly because of hurt. I am going to end this with a prayer. I pray for tomorrow to bring me strength and hope in the smiles of precious children. I pray I can lead them to knowledge and morals through example and love. I pray to hold strong, and learn to lean on those around me when I can't. I pray to continue to believe in miracles, and the power of hope.