December. It comes around once a year. Here we are in the thick of it and I seem to be spending more and more time with the ghost of Christmas past. During Christmases in the mid 2000's I would easily be annoyed by Christmas music, hated parking lots, was often grumpy, never had enough money, never had enough time...and never knew just how good I actually had it. Christmas 2009 I was a different kind of monster. I spent entirely too much money on mismatched decorations that made our house look like a Christmas thrift store. Dan and I had done "black Friday" and were super excited to "give" each other our new ipods, computers, and I am pretty sure that's the year we decided that we needed a Tivo in every room. We would spend the day at Mom's smelling and sipping sweet apple cider, eating more than our fill, and (for me) finally taking time to slow down and realize my many gifts. 6 days later, just 6 days.
Skip to 2012. Nick and I didn't put up a tree because we are both a tad obsessed with things being neat and tidy and we didn't feel like rearranging the house to accommodate decorations and such. We did however decide to buy out Party City on New Years decorations for a celebration of the year and our many gifts (now that I know better than to take a single breath for granted). My friends and family were extremely supportive of us having a "celebration" on a day that is perpetually stained. I've looked at the pictures from that night with such fondness. My mom was stunning (as usual) in her black dress and heals. Chris, dapper in his tux. That would be the last time my mom ever stood in my home.
Last Friday I stepped out of the house and had to stop in my tracks. That smell. I know it every December and it never fails to surprise me even though I know it's coming. The smell of New Years Eve 2009. I can't describe the smell, but I can't ever ignore it either. I cried on the way to daycare, talking to Lawson through my tears. "Mommy's not sad about you my sweet, mommy just has memories that are so hard to revisit sometimes that they don't even seem real." "Memories that feel like they were in another life that your mommy lived eons ago." I guess in many ways, they were in another life.
Last Sunday I stepped foot in the home that my mom and Chris so happily shared for the last time. Walking in that empty house sliced me directly through my heart. I turned right and I heard her, "I'm down here bayba". My ears could actually hear those words but anyone else standing there would only have heard my tears hit the hardwood like nails. As I trudged through her seasonal decorations I had to stop periodically to sob. I then had a full blown one way, out loud conversation with her. "I know it's just stuff, mom, but it's your stuff and you loved it."
The tears didn't stop as I climbed into my car to leave. I sat there momentarily pulling it together with deep breaths and a rear view mirror pep talk. A blue jay, wouldn't you know it? He landed on my hood, he looked right at me! I know no one would believe me so I fumbled for my phone to take a picture, away he flew toward the deck my mom and I shared so many cups of coffee on. I laughed out loud and said, "Dan, stop being so vain, I was crying over my mom." His cheeky smile filled my mind and it was okay again. My mom and I had shared a conversation, and he and I just shared a smile.
It's December 2014. 7 days until Christmas 2014. Nick and I have a daughter! A beautiful, sweet, inspiring, barrel of laughs, joyful, precious, treasured, my mother's namesake, 11 month old daughter!! My amazing husband decorated our house and I get to watch white tree lights sparkle in both of their eyes every evening. I love my little family. I love them so much it actually hurts at times. L.O.V.E. what a tiny little word to encompass such great emotion.
Even though I have allowed the ghost of past Decembers place a tear or two in my eyes, that ghost shall not haunt me.
This December, this year, this life, I am thankful for my angels. The ones here on Earth and the ones cheering me on from their castles on a cloud.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
New
So many things are new. I should start by coming up with a new name for my blog. Maybe: The Winding Road of a (NOT SO) Young Motherless Mother, Loving Wife, Daughter, Sister, and Friend, Who used to be a Widow. Too much? Well, it would be nearly impossible to encompass my life in a title, maybe I should just call it, Me.
Here are some of the things that are new with ME:
The passing of time: In my teens I would lie about being older. In my early twenties I stayed the same age for years. That age was 21 and I drank like it was birthday every weekend. In my late twenties I counted the days until happily ever after. At 29, time was referred to as "When Dan was alive, and after Dan died." At 31, it was, "Since I've met Nick." And after May 7, 2012 it's been, "Since Mom's been gone." I'd like to capture the events that have taken place, Since Mom's been gone:
Normal: My new normal for time is how long it's been since feedings and diaper changes. My new normal is daily panic attacks worrying that she will stop breathing, I will drop her, I'm not a good enough mommy. Googling little symptoms and convincing myself Lawson has all things that could be wrong. Nick talking sense into me. Jaims being my biggest cheerleader. Normal is clapping and whooping in celebration because Lawson just cut the biggest toot after screaming in gas pain for 25 minutes. Normal is 2 pots of coffee before noon. Normal is driving like a school zone on the highway. Sucking boogers is not only normal but a daily highlight. Peeing with a baby on your lap, every other day showers, pajamas, slippers, bad breath, one handed cooking, cleaning, and eating are also all normal. Dr. Seuss, peek-a-boo, baby Einstein, and maybe catching Jeopardy are the daily mental exercises. Laying down at night in bed and having the feeling of being on a boat because you've rocked baby all...day....long. Plucking dog hair out of Lawson's mouth, a permanent white smelly stream down my back, the over use of, "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh", catching up with friends via text because you wouldn't be able to hear them over the crying are the new normal. Over sharing Lawson updates on FB. Calling my sister or texting Sputty, Cara, and Kymmy with random baby questions, appreciating their patience with me. Playing games like "brush the cradle cap out of Lawson's hair before she cries" and Lawson always winning is normal. One sided conversations with completely normal sentences such as: "Does baby waby need a diapy change?, "Momma lovies her little caterpillar", "Little lovey needs to go snoozies", and "Push those poopies out bayba" as well as singing all other sentences to any tune you can think of just to keep their attention. Insert any Adele melody: "Mommy's making coffee, yes she is, if you let me set you down I might eat some cereal tooooooo, if you don't I will just stick to the granola bars for the tenth time this weeeek, my sweeeeeeet..." Saying (in your head) as your pits are sweating and your nerves are shot from sustained decibel level 10 crying, "Where did I set that mother f*cking pacifier!!??!!" Getting out of the house in less than an hour = NOT normal... A MIRACLE!!! Getting pleasure from sniffing her head, judging if it's bath time by sniffing the folds in her neck, and bath time being as exciting as going out used to be is all very normal. Choosing sleep over a shower, an errand, exercise or a meal EVERY time. Cagle exercises and Lawson lifts are the daily workout. Marking the 16th of every month on my calendar and saying, "I can't believe she'll be a month!! And today saying, "I can't believe she'll be 2 months old on Sunday!!" is the best normal. Falling in love with Nick all over again every day as I watch him cuddle, kiss, and melt in our daughter's hands. The feeling that my heart might actually burst with love for my family is my favorite normal of all.
And now for a little comedic relief, my new:
BODY: So my body was far from perfect pre-pregnancy but it wasn't awful. I liked my butt, my legs were muscular enough from running and my stomach was nothing a good pair of Spanx couldn't hide. During pregnancy things happened to my body that I never even knew were possible. There was actually a quote from the doctor during one of my exams that said, "I've seen worse", I won't elaborate. Today, my ass falls into the category of mom butt. My linear negra neva got the memo that I'm not pregnant anymore. My right boob is considerably larger than the left because it produces, as Nick calls it, way more super juice. Lawson has sucked the color off my nipples and all my moles have grown (wtf?). My bunions have doubled in size and tripled in pain. My eyelashes are thinner and shorter as my pit and leg hair is longer and thicker. My skin is whiter as the bags under my eyes are blacker. My crows feet and laugh lines are in constant competition. The skin on my stomach....enough said. My roots are so long and dark it's almost like I am reverse "block coloring" as a new style...maybe it will catch on. With all the things that are wrong with my body, I look at it in pride. This body bore a tiny human, this body provides nourishment for my child, and this body holds my family tight every night. I'm in awe at what this body did and I thank God every day for giving me that miracle.
My new time, my new normal, my new body are all my new reality. Besides doing all of this without my mom, I wouldn't have it any other way. In Lilly's words as she laid eyes on Lawson for the first time, "It's a dream come true."
Disclaimer- It has taken weeks write this between naps, Mike, you inspired me to finish and I highly recommend doing it! 75% of this was typed with one baby free hand so no punctual or grammatical judging. And as always, thanks for traveling with me.
Here are some of the things that are new with ME:
The passing of time: In my teens I would lie about being older. In my early twenties I stayed the same age for years. That age was 21 and I drank like it was birthday every weekend. In my late twenties I counted the days until happily ever after. At 29, time was referred to as "When Dan was alive, and after Dan died." At 31, it was, "Since I've met Nick." And after May 7, 2012 it's been, "Since Mom's been gone." I'd like to capture the events that have taken place, Since Mom's been gone:
- January 26, 2013: Nick and I get married!!!
- February 8th: I turn 33 without my Mom's voice singing, "Hey Tiffin, It's your birthday, I'm in charge of the stars and I'm here to say, Hey Tiffin...It's your birthday....Today."
- March: Living in honeymoon bliss, so happy in love.
- April: I complete my Capstone Project for Loyola. I'm finished with grad school!!
- May 7th: I can't believe it's been a year.
- May 18th: Wake up in the morning, FIND OUT WE ARE PREGNANT AND walked across the stage with a Master's Degree in Curriculum and Instruction. These all take place without Mom.
- June: Roman has his 2nd birthday, his first birthday without GiGi. Bud endures a birthday without the love of his life.
- July 8th: No birthday song for Jaim either.
- August, September, October: Pregnancy misery. Mom was probably celebrating the fact she wasn't around for that, lololol. My poor friends and family.
- November: A baby shower for the ages!!! Once Again my sister assumes her role as mom, best friend, and sister. I was so emotional this day. I missed mom so much, I was nostalgic remembering the days, weeks, and months after Dan died grieving the fact my life was over, I'd never fall in love again, and I would never have kids. Boy was I wrong. A princess birthday for sweet Lilly, her GiGi watching from the stars. Thanksgiving: Our time to give thanks for the legacy left behind.
- December: Celebrating the birth of Christ and all in which we base our faith. Mom is eating with the angels this year.
- January 16, 2014 9:01 pm: Lawson Kay Smith makes her appearance into this world!!
Normal: My new normal for time is how long it's been since feedings and diaper changes. My new normal is daily panic attacks worrying that she will stop breathing, I will drop her, I'm not a good enough mommy. Googling little symptoms and convincing myself Lawson has all things that could be wrong. Nick talking sense into me. Jaims being my biggest cheerleader. Normal is clapping and whooping in celebration because Lawson just cut the biggest toot after screaming in gas pain for 25 minutes. Normal is 2 pots of coffee before noon. Normal is driving like a school zone on the highway. Sucking boogers is not only normal but a daily highlight. Peeing with a baby on your lap, every other day showers, pajamas, slippers, bad breath, one handed cooking, cleaning, and eating are also all normal. Dr. Seuss, peek-a-boo, baby Einstein, and maybe catching Jeopardy are the daily mental exercises. Laying down at night in bed and having the feeling of being on a boat because you've rocked baby all...day....long. Plucking dog hair out of Lawson's mouth, a permanent white smelly stream down my back, the over use of, "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh", catching up with friends via text because you wouldn't be able to hear them over the crying are the new normal. Over sharing Lawson updates on FB. Calling my sister or texting Sputty, Cara, and Kymmy with random baby questions, appreciating their patience with me. Playing games like "brush the cradle cap out of Lawson's hair before she cries" and Lawson always winning is normal. One sided conversations with completely normal sentences such as: "Does baby waby need a diapy change?, "Momma lovies her little caterpillar", "Little lovey needs to go snoozies", and "Push those poopies out bayba" as well as singing all other sentences to any tune you can think of just to keep their attention. Insert any Adele melody: "Mommy's making coffee, yes she is, if you let me set you down I might eat some cereal tooooooo, if you don't I will just stick to the granola bars for the tenth time this weeeek, my sweeeeeeet..." Saying (in your head) as your pits are sweating and your nerves are shot from sustained decibel level 10 crying, "Where did I set that mother f*cking pacifier!!??!!" Getting out of the house in less than an hour = NOT normal... A MIRACLE!!! Getting pleasure from sniffing her head, judging if it's bath time by sniffing the folds in her neck, and bath time being as exciting as going out used to be is all very normal. Choosing sleep over a shower, an errand, exercise or a meal EVERY time. Cagle exercises and Lawson lifts are the daily workout. Marking the 16th of every month on my calendar and saying, "I can't believe she'll be a month!! And today saying, "I can't believe she'll be 2 months old on Sunday!!" is the best normal. Falling in love with Nick all over again every day as I watch him cuddle, kiss, and melt in our daughter's hands. The feeling that my heart might actually burst with love for my family is my favorite normal of all.
And now for a little comedic relief, my new:
BODY: So my body was far from perfect pre-pregnancy but it wasn't awful. I liked my butt, my legs were muscular enough from running and my stomach was nothing a good pair of Spanx couldn't hide. During pregnancy things happened to my body that I never even knew were possible. There was actually a quote from the doctor during one of my exams that said, "I've seen worse", I won't elaborate. Today, my ass falls into the category of mom butt. My linear negra neva got the memo that I'm not pregnant anymore. My right boob is considerably larger than the left because it produces, as Nick calls it, way more super juice. Lawson has sucked the color off my nipples and all my moles have grown (wtf?). My bunions have doubled in size and tripled in pain. My eyelashes are thinner and shorter as my pit and leg hair is longer and thicker. My skin is whiter as the bags under my eyes are blacker. My crows feet and laugh lines are in constant competition. The skin on my stomach....enough said. My roots are so long and dark it's almost like I am reverse "block coloring" as a new style...maybe it will catch on. With all the things that are wrong with my body, I look at it in pride. This body bore a tiny human, this body provides nourishment for my child, and this body holds my family tight every night. I'm in awe at what this body did and I thank God every day for giving me that miracle.
My new time, my new normal, my new body are all my new reality. Besides doing all of this without my mom, I wouldn't have it any other way. In Lilly's words as she laid eyes on Lawson for the first time, "It's a dream come true."
Disclaimer- It has taken weeks write this between naps, Mike, you inspired me to finish and I highly recommend doing it! 75% of this was typed with one baby free hand so no punctual or grammatical judging. And as always, thanks for traveling with me.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Do...Don't
Do get pregnant. Don't do it in the summer when you do not look pregnant and everyone wants to buy you a beer or an orange crush.
Do tell your friends and family. Don't let it get to you when some of those friends ask you if you are having more than one at 5 months along....more than once!
Do keep the toilet clean. You notice a lot of sh*t when you're hugging that bowl, pun intended. Don't clean it yourself.
Do take prenatal vitamins. Don't panic when you have to tweeze your stomach.
Do eat the things that you are craving. Don't make eye contact with the doctor as she calculates in her mind how much weight you have gained since conception.
Do buy maternity clothes. Don't catch a glimpse of your rear in the dressing room mirror.
Do buy Old Navy maternity khakis. Don't put them in the dryer.
Do go to Motherhood. Don't allow them to walk you away from the clearance rack.
Do wear pre-owned maternity clothes. Don't assume they are in perfect condition...always check the crotch and back for splits, preferably before going to work and CVS.
Do buy designer Seven for all Mankind maternity jeans. Don't buy them in the size you were before pregnancy. FAIL.
Do buy bras that fit and don't give you quadruple boob. Don't keep it on one second longer than need be.
Do grease up your belly at night with tummy balm, oil, and butter galore. Don't put on your favorite pjs and expect them not to stain.
Do blame all gas on the baby. Don't ever not blame it on the baby.
Do exercise. Don't dress up like a zombie and chase competitive men for three hours. You will pull a muscle...a muscle you didn't know you had.
Do allow your husband to go out and have fun. Don't face his breath while in the bed on his nights out on the town.
Do watch the movie, "What to Expect When You Are Expecting." Don't watch tragic baby stories on Lifetime.
Do scan the mail for baby coupons. Don't allow your eyes to graze the cover of any Victoria Secret catalogue. As a matter of fact, write a note to leave in your mailbox telling your mailman that you will cut him if he puts another in there.
Do keep a hand held mirror handy for the places you can no longer see with the naked eye. Don't look.
Do enjoy every second of this amazing journey. Don't ever take yourself too seriously.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Dear Mom
Mom,
I am twenty weeks pregnant today, twenty of the hardest and the most beautiful weeks that I haven't been able to share with you. Nick and I are having a little girl! We laid in bed the night we found out and wondered if you and Barbara already knew that though.
I keep thinking about the morning that Jaime went into labor with Lilly. Ryan called me around 4:45 in the morning. I am not even sure I brushed my teeth before rushing to the hospital to wait to meet the angel. You arrived not long after in a stylish outfit, hair done, and lipstick. Even though you never needed a speck of makeup, you always looked perfect. Your light from the inside shown so brightly on your outside. You were and will always be the most beautiful woman I've ever known.
Last Saturday I went to Babies R' Us. I've been getting really overwhelmed when looking at baby items because of price and not mention there is SO MUCH STUFF!! I started small looking at the bottles, spoons, and bibs. My eyes went to a pink bib that said, "If Mom says no, just ask Grandma." My first thought was, "That shouldn't say Grandma, it should say GiGi." Then, I lost my breath. My daughter won't have her GiGi. She will only know you through stories, pictures, and the love left behind in your legacy. Even though that love is great, it's not enough. I need you, my daughter needs her GiGi. The tears started in that aisle so I moved along wiping them away as casually as I had something in my eyes. I continued through the car seats, the swings, the strollers, pack and plays, and finally the cribs. By the time I reached the cribs I was in serious need of tissues. I looked around and noticed that every pregnant woman was with their mother Of Course! They were all trying not to stare at me. I decided it was time to get out of Dodge and stop making everyone in the whole store feel uncomfortable!
I sat in my truck for a long while in between panicking about my lack of knowledge about babies and grieving the fact that I couldn't just call you, ask all my questions, and have you alleviate all my fears. I texted Jaim through my tears and she said it the best, "It just sucks and it isn't fair." There is no way around it. It sucks. It isn't fair. (Sorry, I know you hate the word sucks).
Some days when I am driving I imagine how a conversation between us might go.
Hi Momma
Hi Darling, how ya doing?
I'm good, a little tired, a little back pain, but good.
Are you using a heating pad for your back? I remember Jaime was able to take some Tylenol doll, are you taking any Tylenol?
Yes ma'am, I just worry about drugging that little baby too much.
Awwwww, that sweet baby
I'm still throwing up every day in the morning and I am halfway through my pregnancy!
Oh Bayba, I was so sick with you. Just be happy that you haven't already gained 50 pounds like I did when I was carrying you. I was a house! It's no wonder we called you the Michelin Baby.
And I'll never live it down! Good thing I didn't end up with an eating disorder because of that nickname Mom!!
Laugh, laugh, laugh, and then I dubbed you Lumpy as a teenager!!
We would both laugh and I would try to bottle that laugh. Fill my insides with the sound of your voice and the sweetness of your words. I would live in that moment.
I miss you every day. I wish you could see my belly. I wish you could see Chris with Lilly and Roman and how much they love him. He was born to be a "Bud". I just wish you were here.
Some days I imagine you can peek in on us and catch a glimpse of all of us "holding down the fort" without you. I imagine that you can hear Lilly when she says, "I love my family, my family is beautiful." We appreciate the times we have together so much because we know all too well how short and precious life is. Thank you for teaching us to love the Lord and love each other with open hearts.
Till the next time we meet, from my world to yours, and with all the love in my heart,
Lumpy
I am twenty weeks pregnant today, twenty of the hardest and the most beautiful weeks that I haven't been able to share with you. Nick and I are having a little girl! We laid in bed the night we found out and wondered if you and Barbara already knew that though.
I keep thinking about the morning that Jaime went into labor with Lilly. Ryan called me around 4:45 in the morning. I am not even sure I brushed my teeth before rushing to the hospital to wait to meet the angel. You arrived not long after in a stylish outfit, hair done, and lipstick. Even though you never needed a speck of makeup, you always looked perfect. Your light from the inside shown so brightly on your outside. You were and will always be the most beautiful woman I've ever known.
Last Saturday I went to Babies R' Us. I've been getting really overwhelmed when looking at baby items because of price and not mention there is SO MUCH STUFF!! I started small looking at the bottles, spoons, and bibs. My eyes went to a pink bib that said, "If Mom says no, just ask Grandma." My first thought was, "That shouldn't say Grandma, it should say GiGi." Then, I lost my breath. My daughter won't have her GiGi. She will only know you through stories, pictures, and the love left behind in your legacy. Even though that love is great, it's not enough. I need you, my daughter needs her GiGi. The tears started in that aisle so I moved along wiping them away as casually as I had something in my eyes. I continued through the car seats, the swings, the strollers, pack and plays, and finally the cribs. By the time I reached the cribs I was in serious need of tissues. I looked around and noticed that every pregnant woman was with their mother Of Course! They were all trying not to stare at me. I decided it was time to get out of Dodge and stop making everyone in the whole store feel uncomfortable!
I sat in my truck for a long while in between panicking about my lack of knowledge about babies and grieving the fact that I couldn't just call you, ask all my questions, and have you alleviate all my fears. I texted Jaim through my tears and she said it the best, "It just sucks and it isn't fair." There is no way around it. It sucks. It isn't fair. (Sorry, I know you hate the word sucks).
Some days when I am driving I imagine how a conversation between us might go.
Hi Momma
Hi Darling, how ya doing?
I'm good, a little tired, a little back pain, but good.
Are you using a heating pad for your back? I remember Jaime was able to take some Tylenol doll, are you taking any Tylenol?
Yes ma'am, I just worry about drugging that little baby too much.
Awwwww, that sweet baby
I'm still throwing up every day in the morning and I am halfway through my pregnancy!
Oh Bayba, I was so sick with you. Just be happy that you haven't already gained 50 pounds like I did when I was carrying you. I was a house! It's no wonder we called you the Michelin Baby.
And I'll never live it down! Good thing I didn't end up with an eating disorder because of that nickname Mom!!
Laugh, laugh, laugh, and then I dubbed you Lumpy as a teenager!!
We would both laugh and I would try to bottle that laugh. Fill my insides with the sound of your voice and the sweetness of your words. I would live in that moment.
I miss you every day. I wish you could see my belly. I wish you could see Chris with Lilly and Roman and how much they love him. He was born to be a "Bud". I just wish you were here.
Some days I imagine you can peek in on us and catch a glimpse of all of us "holding down the fort" without you. I imagine that you can hear Lilly when she says, "I love my family, my family is beautiful." We appreciate the times we have together so much because we know all too well how short and precious life is. Thank you for teaching us to love the Lord and love each other with open hearts.
Till the next time we meet, from my world to yours, and with all the love in my heart,
Lumpy
Friday, July 19, 2013
The Craziest Path So Far!
It is June 19, 2013. I won't be posting this for a while because I am not quite ready for the world to know that I am currently 8 weeks 6 days and 20 some hours pregnant. (Ok, I don't know how many hours but it sounded cool).
On the morning of May 18th I was getting ready for my graduation from Loyola with my Masters. I was grumpy, my tatas were sore and I was totally sure that I was going to start my period the moment I needed to walk across the stage. The only thing keeping me from pretending some kind of illness was that my family was coming and we were all going out to celebrate (with many bud lights) that evening. When I got out of the shower, I opened the cabinet to get my lotion and there were some ovulation tests that never got opened and a pregnancy test staring at me. I thought for a minute. I am 3 days late, but that's not so out of the norm. Now it was stuck in my head though, what if? I was annoyed that I let my questioning mind get the best of me, but peeing on stick commenced.
A few minutes later Nick's finger tips are tapping at the slightly ajar bathroom door. "What's the grad doing in there?" Well, "I am looking at a pregnancy test." Door flings open. I am wondering: Is he pale or is this just the lighting in the bathroom? I can't stop staring at the stick, wait two minutes my ass, those lines show up instantaneously. "Nick! We are pregnant!" He replies, "Let me see that thing." I hold it up for him because I have a kung fu grip on it and am not ready to let it leave my hands. He says, "Tiffin, you are reading it up side down for one thing." My response, "Nick....It's still a plus sign."
I did not miss partaking in those bud lights after graduation. I was on a serious, "I'm going to be a Mom high." That didn't last.
After about a week, I started with the puking. I puke every day multiple times a day. The only glow that is coming from my face are my newly added pimples. My skin is dry and so is my hair. I want to eat anything in the world besides saltines, but can't stomach it. My restless leg syndrome is so bad that I have scheduled acupuncture for this coming up Friday. Everything I once loved makes me puke: Coffee, chicken, vegetables, mouthwash, and my own husband (Ok, ok, Nick doesn't make me puke but there are some certain bodily functions that do!!).
I am sure that once I give birth to this precious miracle (which feels like an alien reeking havoc on my body right now) I will forget every bit of misery this first trimester has thrown my way, but until them I am going to commiserate!!
Last week we had our first appointment and saw little bean for the first time. It was such a beautiful thing. We were thrown a bit of sad curveball when the doctor told us that this started out as a twin pregnancy, but Baby B did not grow as fast and did not produce a heartbeat like Baby A. I was taken aback at how sad I could be about something I didn't even know was there, but we definitely grieved little B. On the brightest of notes though, we have a little bean in there that is growing and heart-beating, and thriving just like he/she should. I am reminded of this on a daily basis when I hug the potty.
Nick and I are both scared to death! 7 months are going to FLY by. I become so emotional when I think about bringing a tiny little human into this world that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR! It makes me cry tears of joy and then just like clockwork, tears of sadness for my Mom come right after that. I can't believe our baby won't know his/her GiGi. I pray that all the love and tools momma gave to me will help me raise a sweet, respectful, faithful little darling. Thank God for my sister, both of our families, and ALL of our amazing friends that are going to help along the way.
Stay tuned for more prego blogs! I plan to be really honest, because this is not all flowers and sunshine!!
June 27, 2013:
I am 10 weeks today. I am still puking. I have no energy and I don't feel like myself. Acupuncture didn't help my restless leg (at least so far) and I am afraid Nick wants a "do over" on his wife choice. I am sure I look my sexiest with my compression stockings pulled up to my thighs, granny panties, oversized t-sthirt and my legs propped up on the wall at the head of the bed, moaning in discomfort. My diet consists of carrots and ranch, olives, red meat, and Oreos, lots of Oreos. I miss Bud Light and I hope we are still friends when I come out of these 9 months. 3 weeks until this trimester is over...I hope there is a pot of gold waiting for me at the beginning of tri-2.
Debbie Downer signing off.
July 19, 2013
Thirteen weeks and 1 day (sober) LOLOLOL. I throw up every morning, but my energy levels are better. I am sleeping more at night because my restless leg is getting better by the day. Yesterday I exercised, but was rewarded with 45 minutes of vomiting up everything I had eaten for the past 2 days! Does baby not like exercise or not like exercise after drinking a protein smoothie?? hmmm. I think I will give up the exercise for a day just in case. ;)
Last week we got to see the jumping bean!! That little one was waving, sticking it's tongue out, and so wiggly! I couldn't help but get teary when that tiny little hand was swaying back and forth saying, "hi mom, hi dad." Nick's smile and shining eyes were precious.
I need to get cracking on moving my "dressing room" to the loft in preparation of a nursery. Poor Nick's office is about to get a lot smaller and have a lot of jewelry and scarves as additions. I will miss that room, but the time for being selfish is coming very close to an end. Every time I think I am going to get started the couch calls out, "Tiffin, I'm lonely, please come back and fill in your spot!" That damn couch is so convincing! Maybe tomorrow....
On the morning of May 18th I was getting ready for my graduation from Loyola with my Masters. I was grumpy, my tatas were sore and I was totally sure that I was going to start my period the moment I needed to walk across the stage. The only thing keeping me from pretending some kind of illness was that my family was coming and we were all going out to celebrate (with many bud lights) that evening. When I got out of the shower, I opened the cabinet to get my lotion and there were some ovulation tests that never got opened and a pregnancy test staring at me. I thought for a minute. I am 3 days late, but that's not so out of the norm. Now it was stuck in my head though, what if? I was annoyed that I let my questioning mind get the best of me, but peeing on stick commenced.
A few minutes later Nick's finger tips are tapping at the slightly ajar bathroom door. "What's the grad doing in there?" Well, "I am looking at a pregnancy test." Door flings open. I am wondering: Is he pale or is this just the lighting in the bathroom? I can't stop staring at the stick, wait two minutes my ass, those lines show up instantaneously. "Nick! We are pregnant!" He replies, "Let me see that thing." I hold it up for him because I have a kung fu grip on it and am not ready to let it leave my hands. He says, "Tiffin, you are reading it up side down for one thing." My response, "Nick....It's still a plus sign."
I did not miss partaking in those bud lights after graduation. I was on a serious, "I'm going to be a Mom high." That didn't last.
After about a week, I started with the puking. I puke every day multiple times a day. The only glow that is coming from my face are my newly added pimples. My skin is dry and so is my hair. I want to eat anything in the world besides saltines, but can't stomach it. My restless leg syndrome is so bad that I have scheduled acupuncture for this coming up Friday. Everything I once loved makes me puke: Coffee, chicken, vegetables, mouthwash, and my own husband (Ok, ok, Nick doesn't make me puke but there are some certain bodily functions that do!!).
I am sure that once I give birth to this precious miracle (which feels like an alien reeking havoc on my body right now) I will forget every bit of misery this first trimester has thrown my way, but until them I am going to commiserate!!
Last week we had our first appointment and saw little bean for the first time. It was such a beautiful thing. We were thrown a bit of sad curveball when the doctor told us that this started out as a twin pregnancy, but Baby B did not grow as fast and did not produce a heartbeat like Baby A. I was taken aback at how sad I could be about something I didn't even know was there, but we definitely grieved little B. On the brightest of notes though, we have a little bean in there that is growing and heart-beating, and thriving just like he/she should. I am reminded of this on a daily basis when I hug the potty.
Nick and I are both scared to death! 7 months are going to FLY by. I become so emotional when I think about bringing a tiny little human into this world that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR! It makes me cry tears of joy and then just like clockwork, tears of sadness for my Mom come right after that. I can't believe our baby won't know his/her GiGi. I pray that all the love and tools momma gave to me will help me raise a sweet, respectful, faithful little darling. Thank God for my sister, both of our families, and ALL of our amazing friends that are going to help along the way.
Stay tuned for more prego blogs! I plan to be really honest, because this is not all flowers and sunshine!!
June 27, 2013:
I am 10 weeks today. I am still puking. I have no energy and I don't feel like myself. Acupuncture didn't help my restless leg (at least so far) and I am afraid Nick wants a "do over" on his wife choice. I am sure I look my sexiest with my compression stockings pulled up to my thighs, granny panties, oversized t-sthirt and my legs propped up on the wall at the head of the bed, moaning in discomfort. My diet consists of carrots and ranch, olives, red meat, and Oreos, lots of Oreos. I miss Bud Light and I hope we are still friends when I come out of these 9 months. 3 weeks until this trimester is over...I hope there is a pot of gold waiting for me at the beginning of tri-2.
Debbie Downer signing off.
July 19, 2013
Thirteen weeks and 1 day (sober) LOLOLOL. I throw up every morning, but my energy levels are better. I am sleeping more at night because my restless leg is getting better by the day. Yesterday I exercised, but was rewarded with 45 minutes of vomiting up everything I had eaten for the past 2 days! Does baby not like exercise or not like exercise after drinking a protein smoothie?? hmmm. I think I will give up the exercise for a day just in case. ;)
Last week we got to see the jumping bean!! That little one was waving, sticking it's tongue out, and so wiggly! I couldn't help but get teary when that tiny little hand was swaying back and forth saying, "hi mom, hi dad." Nick's smile and shining eyes were precious.
I need to get cracking on moving my "dressing room" to the loft in preparation of a nursery. Poor Nick's office is about to get a lot smaller and have a lot of jewelry and scarves as additions. I will miss that room, but the time for being selfish is coming very close to an end. Every time I think I am going to get started the couch calls out, "Tiffin, I'm lonely, please come back and fill in your spot!" That damn couch is so convincing! Maybe tomorrow....
Thursday, May 2, 2013
May
As I logged onto to type my thoughts and feelings, I read the title of my blog for the first time in a long time. "The Winding Road of a Young Widow." That doesn't quite fit anymore.
May 7th 2008- Exactly one month to go before our 06/07/08 wedding!
May 7th 2009- We can't believe it's almost been a year, what will we do to celebrate our anniversary?
May 7th 2010- I am still in bed. The sun probably still rises in the east, but I don't notice. The "why?" cloud looms over the shell of a person that I used to be.
May 7th 2011- I am falling in LOVE AGAIN!! I can't get enough of Nick Smith. I know we will get married one day.
May 7th 2012- My knees are on the cold tile floor. My left hand (adorned with a beautiful engagement ring) is on her right leg. My right hand is on her left leg. My head falls on the lap of the greatest woman I will ever know. My mother takes her last breaths and goes home to the Lord.
I walked down my winding road rather publicly, as you all have been so kind as to read the words my heart has bled. I had many friends and family members accompanying me along the way. When I met Nick he led me off of that winding road and onto a bridge. By the time I was walking off of that bridge we were hand in hand and I felt even more appreciative that God led another wonderful man to me. My cup runneth over.
Now Nick and I are still hand in hand, but I am back on a new road. I am on a road without my Momma.
It's almost been a year, yet not a day has gone by when I haven't spoken to her. The new chapters of my life that are synonymous with being married and "happily ever after" give me panic attacks in the middle of the night because I don't have my Mom.
I finished the Master's Program at Loyola with a 4.0, and I don't have my Mom to tell me just how proud she is of me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE hearing that from my loved ones, but I want to see her smile, and hear the words from her.
Soon it will be...
May 7th 2013- I will smile at everyone I see, just like she did. I will dance with a child until they belly laugh the way my sissy and I did when she "cheek to cheeked" with us. I will close my eyes and remember every word of the last long conversation we had together. A part of that that just made me smile was... In the middle of our talk (as I am crying and snotting and being completely pitiful), she said, "you really have a gift at putting makeup on." We both laughed through out tears, Steel Magnolias style. I will tell my sister what an amazing Mother she is and what an amazing Mom/Sister/Best Friend she has been to me since this day 1 year ago. I will tell Father to get over here and let me hug his neck and make him dinner!!
Happy Soon To Be Mother's Day to all of the amazing Moms out there. Hug your Daaaaarlings in true Trish fashion!!
May 7th 2008- Exactly one month to go before our 06/07/08 wedding!
May 7th 2009- We can't believe it's almost been a year, what will we do to celebrate our anniversary?
May 7th 2010- I am still in bed. The sun probably still rises in the east, but I don't notice. The "why?" cloud looms over the shell of a person that I used to be.
May 7th 2011- I am falling in LOVE AGAIN!! I can't get enough of Nick Smith. I know we will get married one day.
May 7th 2012- My knees are on the cold tile floor. My left hand (adorned with a beautiful engagement ring) is on her right leg. My right hand is on her left leg. My head falls on the lap of the greatest woman I will ever know. My mother takes her last breaths and goes home to the Lord.
I walked down my winding road rather publicly, as you all have been so kind as to read the words my heart has bled. I had many friends and family members accompanying me along the way. When I met Nick he led me off of that winding road and onto a bridge. By the time I was walking off of that bridge we were hand in hand and I felt even more appreciative that God led another wonderful man to me. My cup runneth over.
Now Nick and I are still hand in hand, but I am back on a new road. I am on a road without my Momma.
It's almost been a year, yet not a day has gone by when I haven't spoken to her. The new chapters of my life that are synonymous with being married and "happily ever after" give me panic attacks in the middle of the night because I don't have my Mom.
I finished the Master's Program at Loyola with a 4.0, and I don't have my Mom to tell me just how proud she is of me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE hearing that from my loved ones, but I want to see her smile, and hear the words from her.
Soon it will be...
May 7th 2013- I will smile at everyone I see, just like she did. I will dance with a child until they belly laugh the way my sissy and I did when she "cheek to cheeked" with us. I will close my eyes and remember every word of the last long conversation we had together. A part of that that just made me smile was... In the middle of our talk (as I am crying and snotting and being completely pitiful), she said, "you really have a gift at putting makeup on." We both laughed through out tears, Steel Magnolias style. I will tell my sister what an amazing Mother she is and what an amazing Mom/Sister/Best Friend she has been to me since this day 1 year ago. I will tell Father to get over here and let me hug his neck and make him dinner!!
Happy Soon To Be Mother's Day to all of the amazing Moms out there. Hug your Daaaaarlings in true Trish fashion!!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
SIGNS
I love everything about our upcoming wedding, mostly the partnership, love, and commitment that Nick and I are pledging to share together. On the other hand, I am reminded of the grief for my Mom by every received package at my door. I am again allowing the space in ALL of my closets to be filled in hopes my heart will follow suit. My heart must not have the words to tell my mind that it doesn't work that way.
Since Dan received his call Home, I have felt him with me on many an occasion. The blue-jay that stood by my side as I mowed my first lawn post husband and the butterfly that landed on my shoulder the day Sputty and I took the kids to the park. I wondered while we pushed Lilly, Alex, and Charlie if I would ever have kids. The butterfly first kissed my belly and then landed on my shoulder, where he stayed a long while. When I go out on my deck, my blue-jay friend is never far away, even if I can't see him, I hear his squawking. Blue Jays have a very loud and prominent twitter...that doesn't surprise me at all.
This weekend while in NOLA celebrating in THE most amazing wedding ever of Kirty and Pete, there were also signs. Hilly and I were walking arm and arm through the beautiful and historic Jackson Square. We wanted to get close to a group of people that were setting up chairs, a podium, and flags. When we got closer, we realized it was a Marine Corps event. Nick and Daniel were walking behind us and one of them said, "Such and such was a Marine..." and then someone else chimed in with who they knew that was a Marine. I never spoke, because it isn't like I "used to know" a Marine. I carry that Marine with me every day in my heart. Just as I was thinking that thought and smiling a remembering smile, a butterfly zigged by our faces. Hilly and I were still arm and arm. I reached out my left hand and the energetic beauty kissed the back of my hand before fluttering away. Immediate chills. Immediate glassy eyes. Would you believe me if I told you that butterfly followed me down two winding streets and to one store? He did. He always will.
Last night Nick and I met with Mary, a friend, and our officiant for the wedding. I couldn't get through even hearing the vows we are going to say to one another without crying. Lord knows how I am going to hold up on our wedding day! I am not sure I have ever loved Nick more than in those moments that we sat at her dining room table and picked the words that will bind and seal our lives together forever. I am so blessed, and so happy. I had NO idea I could EVER love this strong and this fierce ever again. As we were finishing up our meeting, I happen to glance at Mary's china cabinet and there, peeking out at me, a little green memento from the past, the "peas in a pod" wedding favor Dan and I gave out. I know that he is giving his blessing from above, but I like to see it as another little salt & peppered sign.
I smile when I perceive the universe coming together as a sign from my past. Because I get happy during those moments, I want more of them when it comes to my Mom. A little sign would be nice, but what I really want is for her to call, hold a big sign from a cloud that says, "Good job" "keep it up" or if should could just answer my daughter to Mother questions in a drop box from the PO in Heaven, I'd be much obliged. All jokes aside, I need her to still be here. I think at times I try so hard to perceive a "sign" from her instead of taking the time to just sit still.
Well, I sat very still last night. Actually, I as laying very still in the bed with all the lights off and the quiet sounds of all my boys heavy into slumber. I prayed and started to cry. Lately my prayers start to be directed at God, but turn to a conversation I want to have with Mom. I cleared my mind, I let the soft tears flow out of the corners of my eyes, over my ears, and onto my pillow. I thought about "signs" from above. Images started to flash before my eyes and I said out loud, "Oh my God." Not in an OMG tone, but an Oh My God, you are so right, you do have all the answers. Even though I have to wait for them, you shine the perfect amount of light in the darkest of moments.
The images that crossed my mind were not butterflies, nor blue-jays. They were faces. The first face I see is Roman's and I hear him laugh. His laugh makes my heart ache with joy and love, so did my Mom's. He is 1/4 Mom, and he will carry the importance of laughter to every occasion. I then see Lilly, my angel Lilly. The sweet girl who put her perfect hand on my face during her birthday party and said to me, "Aunt T, I love your voice." Lilly is 1/4 Mom, and she will carry on the way that Mom made everyone in the room feel special. After that, I see my sister's smiling face. (I laugh a little at this moment thinking of her and I doing the "Boot Scooting Boogy" in Na'wlins and sitting on saddles outside of Urban Cowboy.) I see her, she is 1/2 Mom. She will carry on our traditions, be the matriarch of the family, always give her portion, always make more, always invite, always love, and always keep things in perspective. Jaime's face is my biggest sign. Next, I see Chris, my sweet Father Figure. He is 3/4 Mom, he has to be. He is our Mom, our Father Figure, AND Bud to the babies. He was the love of her life, and is ours to love for life, too. I rolled my head to the side and looked at Nick. When I did, I didn't just see a sleeping face. I saw the other part of my future. He will be 1/2 of our children who will be the 1/4 of Mom. He is going to be the partner who will help bring more of Mom's love into this world for all to see. He will be my husband. The husband who I know will keep all of the (secret) promises he made to Mom the day she knew we would wed. He will also keep holding me with those long arms on the nights that my tears don't cease as easily as they did in those late hours yesterday.
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| I chose this picture, and realized that I wore this SAME outfit today. I don't think I have worn it since the day this photo was taken. Looking at this picture and looking down at my dress, I can almost feel this moment all over again. |
I have been wound too tight, running too fast, looking too hard, and not sitting still. When you are still the world spins around you with the ones you love. The ones that you can physically see, and the ones you can only remember.
Take a minute to be still. Let the ones who touch your heart dance in front of your face. You might be surprised at who or what you see.
My signs were so big they weren't in my direct line of sight, I needed a wider lens.
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