Dear, Part Two

I have always been the one to do the grocery shopping. I used to go to Giant in Columbia, when Dan and I lived in Columbia. When we moved to Jessup, I started frequenting Weis in Laurel. I didn't think that my switch of the grocery store was pertinent until one day Dan's eyes got to be the size of saucers as he looked at the Weis logo on a plastic bag. He held it up, and said, "Where did you go grocery shopping?" I lifted my eyebrows and gave him my best, "DUH" face and pointed to said bag. Dan did not like the fact that I grocery shopped after dark most days, and that now I was grocery shopping at "the scary store" after dark. My response was, "Honey, it's fine.... there's always a security guard there." He didn't appreciate that either. After that, Dan would usually call me or text me while I was trying to get shopping accomplished. It probably didn't make matters any better since I normally came home with stories of interactions I had at the store. Even now that Dan has passed, I still shop at Weis. I have never once felt threatened there, and even less now that I have this guardian angel. I have, however, had some fantastic encounters that I'd like to share via "Mean Tiffin."

Dear Weis Supermarket,

I first want to thank you for your convenient and diversely beautiful location. There has never been a time that I have been to your store without some kind of experience. I have been taking note, and would like to share a few of them with you. I'd like to start in your produce section where there are copious amounts of employees. They do not speak English, and normally aren't smiling, but they can water the hell out of some broccoli, and those apple displays are nothing short of amazing. Asking for corn on the cob one summer and being led to the sweet potatoes didn't stop me from coming back. I also like how the salad bar is conveniently located just at the side of the produce section butted right up to the seafood counter. Nothing says delicious salad like the smell of imitation crab and day old salmon. The absolute best part is the jolly looking man with the long gray hair working behind the seafood counter. Last summer as I was holding my breath, and creating a salad, I felt the stare. I looked up at your friendly employee and saw his grin. I gave him an awkward smile, knowing by the look on his face that he felt the need to share. He said, "Hey....You don't get a body like that from eating salad." In my head: Really, Santa Clause? Don't you have some elves to go control? I say: "Not everybody can be this lucky." in my most sarcastic tone with squinty eyed-smile. Yes, I felt embarrassed and insulted, however I continued to load that salad with bacon bits and ranch and headed on my way. Again, I haven't given up on your store.

My next encounter should have been embarrassing for this gentleman, but I was the only one red in the face. Just like all other strategically placed items in your store, the soaps are also conveniently located next to the adult diapers. I was shopping for body wash, and look to my right to see an older man scanning the Depends. I felt a pang of sadness for him, and wanted to leave him alone in the isle. I would come back later. He looked up at me, as I was looking at him and I just smiled at him while I was turning my cart around. He said, "You got an awfully pretty smile. You whiten those teeth?" In my head: Sir, I really don't know why you care when you have 2 and a half teeth in your entire mouth. Starting to floss now or pursuing a whitening regimen is not bringing anything back...but I digress. I say: "Thank you." Still turning the cart and headed in the opposite direction he begins to speak louder. "I drive a truck that delivers steaks to a real nice steak house down the street." "If I could get a discount on dinner would you like to go with me sometime?" In my head: You are shopping for adult diapers, you probably have shit and piss in your pants right now as you are speaking to me, you don't have any teeth, and could possibly pass as a leather handbag from afar, and yet, you think you have a chance? What's that say about me? Damn Tiffin, you need to put on some makeup before you come here from now on! I say: "No thank you, I am married." and rush out of the aisle as fast as humanly possible. I chuckled as I passed the meats and glanced over the steaks.

Another day as I was moving toward the milk, I felt a very close presence at my back. The security guard, (appropriately dressed in SWAT gear) had just passed, so my fear level was low. I turned around and saw a black man in an all black sweat suit. I'm all about comfy shopping, so there was no judging there. He tipped up his all black hat and looked behind him, in front of the two of us, and then started to whisper. "So, I see that you married, but you real fine.""Can I call you sometime?" In my head: OOOOOOHHH, so this is what Oprah means by the "DL"? That's a really nice wedding ring YOU are wearing! I say: "I appreciate the compliment, but No." "Well, if the answer is NO, why you smilin' at me like dat?" In my head: Because I am really uncomfortable, I giggle when I'm nervous, and crap, I just broke a sweat on my upper lip! I say: "Have a good night." He throws up his hands, and says, "All right, all right now, just thought I'd ask."

There have been more fabulous encounters, but I will save them for another letter at another time. I can't wait for my interactions now that my wedding rings have been taken off. Tell your produce employees that it doesn't matter they can't speak English, Tell Santa that his wife is a closet "salad eater" and three of my bodies wouldn't make up one of her...yah, he didn't think I glanced at that photo on the bulletin board, but I did. Maybe try moving the adult diapers next to the baby diapers, so these people can at least pretend they are being doting grandparents. And finally, the OCD cashier that has to write down the skew numbers? I understand equal rights, but holy 25 minutes in line for 10 items or less! If you must keep him, promise me that he never works a busy Sunday and any other lane but express.

To many more evenings together in Laurel,

Mean Tiffin