The Dreams

The night Dan passed away and every night that followed for a while, I fell into very deep sleeping patterns. Yes, they might have been Xanex and Zoloft induced sleeps, but either way, It was a way for me to escape.

The first dream I had with Dan in it, was the actual night he was gone from this world forever. I will remember the dream for the rest of my life, he came to me to say goodbye.

I was laying on the couch that night, in a ball. I was paralyzed by shock, denial, and fear. I must have fallen asleep. In the dream, Dan walked downstairs to the basement, just like he did every other day. He smiled at me and I felt so relieved. I told him, "I had the most terrible dream." He didn't let me finish telling him about the dream. He layed down next to me, almost to the point of being on top of me. I remember trying to hold him, but my arms wouldn't move. He just held me. He said, "I am so sorry." I couldn't talk, I think at this point, somewhere, somehow, I knew it was a dream, and he wasn't really with me. He held me and told me that he loved me, and he was so sorry that he had to go. I wanted to hold him back, I wanted to scream, I wanted to beg and plead, but only tears poured out, no words, just tears. It's as if my tears were his words, and the soft, quiet, wetness of them woke me. I opened my eyes, and still felt his arms around me. I stayed very still, I could feel the pressure around my shoulders, I started to cry harder, as my body shook, the feeling of him left. I have never felt him in a dream again.

My dreams about Dan continued but they were nightmares. He would call me on the phone and tell me that he faked his own death because he hated being married to me. He would show up at the house and I would be so excited to see him, knowing that a miracle happened, and all he wanted to do was pick up some of his things. He didn't love me anymore. These dreams would always leave me empty, crying, hurting. That hurt would stay with me for days to follow.

Those nightmares ceased and another set of dreams occurred. Dan would miraculously come back from the dead. He would come home and I would beg him to go see a doctor. We would have discussions about how he died of a heart attack, and how we have to prevent it from happening again. He would always be stubborn-ass-Dan and tell me to "Stop lecturing him", "I'm fine." We would sign up for races and I would beg him not to run, until we were sure his heart could take it. The dreams always ended the same way. Dan dies again of a heart attack, while running. Every time I woke from these dreams I would feel the shock and pain all over again. I would wake to the eyes of the doctor, being handed his wedding ring, the rain on the windows.

My dreams have changed as I have been changing. My wings are healing and I am starting to learn how to fly again. I think the dreams I am having now show growth in my healing, however they are still painful at times.

In my most recent dreams, I have moved on. The dreams always take place at my old house in Arnold, Falcon Crest, the reason behind this, I have no idea. I am living in the house with someone. The someone doesn't have a face, and he isn't really in the dream, however, I know he's there, and he is in the basement watching tv. There is a knock on the door and when I open it, it's Dan. He tells me that it's a miracle, and he's back. My heart sinks. My first instict is to run down the stairs and tell whoever the man is to leave. Leave...leave quickly, my husband is home!! But then, another wave hits me. A wave that I haven't felt before, I have moved on. I am content with this new life. Who gives you the right to come back and expect me to be the same person after leaving me a year ago, no goodbye, no warning, just gone. All of these emotions hit me so quickly in the dream, and I am usually sweating so badly at this point, I wake up. I don't know if I will ever make a choice in the dream. I do know that in real life, I don't have to. My husband is gone and he is never coming back. If I know anything, Dan wants to see me smile. He wants me to be happy, to get back to the Tiffin that he fell in love with.

I am slowly but surely getting back there. When I got out of the shower this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was smiling, I thought, "Hey...I recognize you." I loved it. 2011 is going to be fresh start for me, and I am actually looking forward to it. I felt guilty for a second even writing that, but I shouldn't! Who should feel guilty about wanting to live again?

Who knows what my next series of dreams will be, but if someone could throw in a little Channing Tatum, I'd appreciate it.... maybe he could be the other guy??!!?? ;)