Our 15 Minutes Alone

Well here I am again, trying to lasso my thoughts, organize them into some sort of sanity, and let the words bleed out through my writing.

As most of you saw on my facebook page a few weeks ago, my Mom said beautiful things to me as I entered hospice room number 6 on the afternoon of April 18, 2012. She called me beautiful, a treasure, a gift from God, and a gift to all around me. She held my face to hers as she whispered that Jaime and I were the center of her universe.

I always carry a journal in my purse to write feelings, thoughts, prayers, sometimes I even list all the candy I've eaten that day to force myself work out later on (but let's stay the course). I knew that I wanted to document anything my mom said in the coming days so I could cherish and treasure them forever.


After Mom and I had our precious greeting, I sat next to her and we had an amazing talk. My Aunt spent EVERY day and night with my mom even before she went into full time acute care. She went without food or sleep for weeks on end. This day, I insisted that she go get some rest, and it turned out to be the most memorable of our times together toward the end. 

My Mom quoted Proverbs 1, 2, and 3 and made me promise that I will bring up grand babies who know that Jesus is the sweetest name that could ever be spoken. Bring them up in Sunday school she said, so that when they grow up and make their own choices they won't stray away from that, it will be embedded in their heart. She asked me about churches that are close to me and expressed that she really wanted Nick and I to become part of a church, so we have that foundation to build the rest of our lives and family upon.

She told me how proud of me she is about my character and the person I have become, my strengths and accomplishments. She got sad when we talked about how I would be finishing up graduate school in the Spring of 2013. I know why she was sad, and I teared up too, but no words were said. She was my biggest fan, she didn't have to tell me that she would be there in spirit, congratulating me, I knew it.

She told me to remember her the way she was, not "shriveled and tired and weak" like she is now. Little did she know, how strong she glowed at that very moment. Cancer was quickly snuffing out the working organs in her body, but she was NEVER weak.


There was a pause for a moment as I swallowed the painful lump in my throat. I squeezed her hand and we looked straight into each other's eyes. I tried so hard not to break down and I was biting my tongue, I didn't want to let the words escape from my mouth, but they flew out like bats out of a cave.... "MOMMA, I don't want you to to go", as I crumble on her arms and cry into her hands. She cried, I know Bay-ba, I know. I don't want to leave you either. Life has been so sweet, but it seems so short. I have so much more "mommying" to do. Mascara filled tears, snot filled tissues, and a few deep breaths later, we were able to smile again.

She told me about her last day at her home and mostly about the Jamaican technition who had come to the house to ready her for the hospice home. My mom was in so much distress at that time and she asked the Jamaican woman if she was a praying women. The woman, said in her beautiful accent, "Oh Lord, yes ma'am. I've been a prayin' and a singin': Jesus come to your Patricia, come to your Patricia and visit a while. My mom said her words were like a lullaby, and she instantly felt some relief. I instantly thought of the book "The Shack" because while reading it,  I always heard "PaPa's" voice in my head as Jaimaican.

My Mom continued her fight for days after we had this time together. On April 24th (a Monday) Nick proposed to me in the kitchen. He told me that it was my Mom's birthday and he wanted her to know that I was going to be taken care of. I couldn't wait to tell my Mom the wonderful news and show her my ring. When I got there she was very tired, but very excited. I let her rest for a while that day, and eventually went back. When I walked back into the room she said, "There is my Mrs. Smith." I couldn't help but grin.


On the 26th Nick and I went to visit my Mom because she wanted to hug her son-in-law to be's neck. It was a beautiful visit and I am so happy we have the pictures to commemorate it.


The next day when I went for my after work visit, my Mom and I found ourselves alone again and holding hands. She said, "Bay-ba, How do you feel about me slipping away before you and Nick can take your vows?" I immediately started heaving crying. I said through tears, "How do I feel? How do I feel? You know how I feel, Momma." "I also know that you have to go so you can have a new perfect body to match your perfect soul." She said, "Yes, Darling, and you know that I will be with you every step of the way, I will be walking down every road with you." It wasn't very long after that that sweet Mom drifted off into a sedated sleep. There was a time though, when I whispered to her that I was going to wear her wedding dress to marry Nick. I could have made it up, but I swear she smiled.


We were all around her as she took her last breath on another Monday, May 7th. Things have been a mix of a blur and living in denial.


As I write this my feeling surface, and my heart begins to beat faster. I am so sad, and I can't call her right now. She will never leave another 10 minute message on mine or Jaime's voicemail (Jaime and I always swore that she spoke to voicemail like we were actually on the other end of the phone). Thank goodness I have some of those treasured saved. I will miss her for the rest of my life.


Ok Momma, I am walking down my newest road and it is a windy one. Let me feel your angel hand holding mine all the way.