I had a great conversation with God last night. The first really good conversation I have had with Him since Mom's passing. It was prompted by finishing the book, "Heaven is For Real".
When Dan died, I did not have good conversations with God. I was angry with Him. When I did pray, I felt it was forced, and sometimes the only word I could muster to speak to Him was, "help". If I felt I could utter a phrase it was, "give me strength". As phrases turned into sentences and prayers became more normal again (consisting of praying for others and not completely self centered) the conversations were me "walking on egg-shells".
Well I probably shouldn't pray for that, because I don't want anything else bad to happen. I need to make sure I thank God for that today, because I don't want Him to take anyone else away from me. I hope God knows I am thankful for all the people I DO have in my life. I hope he doesn't sense my questioning nature...I hope he doesn't get upset when all I ask is, "Why"?
Those kinds of prayers have flagged as time has passed, even though I know it will take my own trip Home to know the answer to, Why?
Of course I know Heaven is for Real, however, at a time this close to losing my Mom, reassurance never hurt anyone. I closed the book and the first message that rang loudly in my ear was, "Jesus really loves the children." At this point in the school year, I find myself becoming annoyed more easily, and possibly not giving my little gems (I accidentally just wrote germs and it made me laugh out loud, Freudian slip) all the care and attention they need as they progress toward the summer and fourth grade. I started my prayer with asking for the tools and gifts needed to continue to be the teacher/nuturerer they need and for patience, patience, patience!
After I prayed for Jesus's little loves, I thought, hmmmmm, this feels good, I am going to keep going. I found myself having the Lord relay messages to my Mom and then eventually started talking to her directly. Do I know my Mom hears direct prayers, absolutely not. Did it make me feel better, absolutely. I swear this prayer lasted an hour and if Jesus takes notes, I hope He was writing short-hand, because boy did I have a list.
I felt calm, and peaceful when my, "conversation" ended. I definitely cried, because it was the kind of conversation that my Mom and I would enjoy discussing over coffee under blankets. One day ALL of our conversations will be this easy, one day, when I Go Home To The Lord, too.
I rolled over and faced my night stand, knowing it was entirely too late to be awake, but strangley okay with that. My eyes batted open and closed and stayed open for another moment as I scanned in between the book ends on the stand. A flash ran through my head and a smile across my face. I thought about what happened this past Saturday morning. Take in and believe from it what you will, and I will do the same:
Nick brings me coffee in bed. I sip and sleepily listen to and watch the news. I set my coffee down on the night stand because it is too hot to drink. I reach over a moment later to pick my coffee back up and I accidentally jostled my stand. Besides me spilling a little coffee out of my over-filled cup, my books fall over. One of them lands face up as the others tumble to the floor. It is covered in dust. I haven't seen this book, since, well. 2007. Title, "Hugs for Daughters". To: Tiffin Ann, Love: Mom. Message: Happy Valentine's Day, February 14, 2007. I immediately put it to my face and smelled it (nope didn't smell like Mom, but I might have sneazed...dust bunnies to be collected later). I must have stared at that title page for 5 minutes, just letting the tears stream down my face at just the sight of her handwriting. Then I saw a card poking out, it was posted specifically on this page of the book. The card was a cute teddy bear with an I love you message, but the message in the book kept me crying and immediately calling Jaime. It read: Tiffin, You have within you now all the elements that are necessary to make you all the Father dreamed that you coud be ~ E.W. Kenyon.
Yes, I do....and YOU my inspiration, my MOTHER made sure of that.
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