I just got off the phone with my sister. I don't have to explain to her every detail of a "Blah" day, because she knows what that means. She most likely knows that it's a "blah" day even before I do because our spirits are so kindred. Either way, today was just, "Blah." Nothing could have made my heart smile to it's full capacity, there weren't even tears on the cusp, there was no road rage (even when I was cut off at the "Death Circle"....those of you that live in Odenton know exactly the circle I'm talking about too, the one by Lucky's) anyway, today I was just indifferent about everything.
Sparing you every small detail, I will retell some of my steps forward, and then back, a dance if you will, over the Thanksgiving break.
Wednesday: I took off my wedding rings. I cried, cried, and cried again as I put them in my engagement ring box, and established them a place in my room.
Thursday: I went to Ryan's Father's house in a land Far, Far, Away. Seriously, you drive to the end of the Earth, and then make a left. It was lovely, it was different, and I was really OK. Besides not feeling well, It wasn't like "normal" Thanksgiving, so there was no added sadness to the sadness that lays upon my heart daily to begin with. It was a turkey dinner with wonderful people and hopefully a "new" tradition for me.
Friday: Sick and then sicker. This equals quality couch time and maybe a little feeling sorry for myself.
Saturday: Feeling better, spent a good portion of the day writing/reading and then continuing that pattern at the cemetery. Came home and had the AWESOME (insert sarcasm) idea to charge Dan's iPod. Last year on Black Friday we went to Best Buy at 4:00 am. We spent entirely too much money on electronics including two new iPods. On the morning that happened to be Dan's fateful day, we laid in bed watching Sports Center. We laughed, teased, loved, and snuggled. When he decided to go to the gym, he went up to the loft and grabbed his iPod. It didn't have any music on it yet, but he was messing around with it and figured out that it could take video. What was there to video but sleepy me in the bed and our boys. Fast forward to Saturday night: When the iPod was fully charged, and I had consumed too much Bud Light, I decided to watch the videos he had recorded. NOT SMART. I cried, screamed, snotted, upset the boys, and I'm sure anyone else within a 100 mile radius too!
Sunday: Always feel better after a good cry. It was sunny and I liked the warmth. Gingerbread coffee, kisses and amazing hugs from my Lilly Bug, my sister feeding us delicious fatty snacks while watching football, a Raven's win, and in bed by 8 pm made for a pretty good day.
Today, Monday: BLAH.
1. Couldn't leave for work without putting my wedding rings back on.
2. "Want To" comes on the radio on the way to work.
3. "Want To" comes on the radio on the way home from work.
4. Why am I giving myself a timeline? Why do I second guess my every emotion and everything I do? Why do I continue to judge myself harder than anyone else ever would?
5. Stop with the questions, your heart is palpitating. Just freakin' live your life, would you?
BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.
Tomorrow is the last day of November which will signify the last day of the 11 month without my Dan. There are SO many things that I have done/accomplished that I NEVER thought I would eleven months ago. Some things I am extremely proud of, some things I am not.
Team Shriz leaves on Friday to run the Rock N' Roll Vegas Half Marathon. We are minus a few Team members, (Jaime, Ryan, Michelle, and Greg) but I know they will be our Maryland cheering section, just as I know my angel runner will guide us on every pound of the foot in Nevada.
Tonight, I am going to finish reading a book I started this weekend called, "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper. This book offers comforting words about those who go before us. I so hope that Dan is enjoying some of the wonderful things witnessed by this man. I also hope that it is true, when you go to Heaven, you don't think regretfully upon the things you left in your mortal life. I don't regret any time that Dan and I had the pleasure of spending together.
I would like to stop feeling so confused and regretful at times, in my new life as well.
~And we can be confident that he will listen to us whenever we ask for anything in line with his will. And if we know he is listening when we make our requests, we can be sure that he will give us what we ask for. ~ 1 John 5:14-15
Lord, Please hear my prayer. Please.