Thursday, October 10, 2013


Do get pregnant. Don't do it in the summer when you do not look pregnant and everyone wants to buy you a beer or an orange crush.

Do tell your friends and family. Don't let it get to you when some of those friends ask you if you are having more than one at 5 months along....more than once!

Do keep the toilet clean. You notice a lot of sh*t when you're hugging that bowl, pun intended. Don't clean it yourself.

Do take prenatal vitamins. Don't panic when you have to tweeze your stomach.

Do eat the things that you are craving. Don't make eye contact with the doctor as she calculates in her mind how much weight you have gained since conception.

Do buy maternity clothes. Don't catch a glimpse of your rear in the dressing room mirror.

Do buy Old Navy maternity khakis. Don't put them in the dryer.

Do go to Motherhood. Don't allow them to walk you away from the clearance rack.

Do wear pre-owned maternity clothes. Don't assume they are in perfect condition...always check the crotch and back for splits, preferably before going to work and CVS.

Do buy designer Seven for all Mankind maternity jeans. Don't buy them in the size you were before pregnancy. FAIL.

Do buy bras that fit and don't give you quadruple boob. Don't keep it on one second longer than need be.

Do grease up your belly at night with tummy balm, oil, and butter galore. Don't put on your favorite pjs and expect them not to stain.

Do blame all gas on the baby. Don't ever not blame it on the baby.

Do exercise. Don't dress up like a zombie and chase competitive men for three hours. You will pull a muscle...a muscle you didn't know you had.

Do allow your husband to go out and have fun. Don't face his breath while in the bed on his nights out on the town.

Do watch the movie, "What to Expect When You Are Expecting." Don't watch tragic baby stories on Lifetime.

Do scan the mail for baby coupons. Don't allow your eyes to graze the cover of any Victoria Secret catalogue. As a matter of fact, write a note to leave in your mailbox telling your mailman that you will cut him if he puts another in there.

Do keep a hand held mirror handy for the places you can no longer see with the naked eye. Don't look.

Do enjoy every second of this amazing journey. Don't ever take yourself too seriously.