Thursday, September 30, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
It's nights like tonight, when I close my eyes to pray, I find it hard to thank the Lord for my blessings. Don't get me wrong, I know I have been blessed in many ways and in many facets of my life. That being said, I also have moments, like now, when I feel punished. I find myself asking God, begging rather, not to take anything else from me. It's not, "Thank you for this and thank you for that or please help someone else and lift so and so up". It should be, but it's not. God was the only thing I clung to weeks and months after Dan's death. Then, all of sudden, I can't pray unselfishly anymore. I find myself asking:
"Lord- Please let Marlo and Gunner live forever. I know Gunner ate 2 pair of underwear today, don't let it hurt him. I know Marlo ate the entire cantaloupe, let him pass it. Keep my sister, Buggy, Ry, and folks safe and happy. Please don't take any of my friends or family. I can't go any lower than this, Father, I wouldn't be able to go on."
I have these thoughts that Dan was taken from me to bring me down a notch, to teach me something. I start to panic when I think what might happen if I haven't learned the lesson I am supposed to learn yet. I refuse to live in fear. I hate thoughts like this. I need this to pass.
I need to believe that my God knows the sadness of this place, that he is holding me and understands my anger. He forgives me of my faults, instead of punishing me for them.
For those of you out there who bend The Almighty's ear, think of me. I am again, being selfish in my request, however, when I get back to a praying place, I promise to return the favor.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
- I am in an extreme hurry and am in the exact position at the light where I get to sit through it twice.
- I pull by the only pump available at the gas station, and the credit machine is broken. I go inside and hear, "We very very sorry, ATM not working to today."
- I give someone the tampon out of my purse and the next day Aunt Flo comes. I haven't replaced it yet.
- I stand and am teaching all day, being animated, exciting, and effective, and the moment I sit down for a minute, the principal wonders in. I swear they should wear bells!
- I choose to shop in the only store around without a bathroom after I just ate cream sauce. You don't want me to elaborate.
- I drank my first beer and am headed to the bar when I slip of my cute wedge. I have now been labeled the girl who should be cut off and the nights only just begun.
- Someone that is close talking me has a booger or horrifically bad halitosis.
- I am running through the trails and drop trow to pee. I squat over the only poison ivy bush in the forest.
- I send a semi-insulting text message about someone TO the person it was about. That is Karma slapping me in my smug face! (Sidebar: This happened on more than one occasion with Dan. We would be arguing and I would be texting Allyson or Jaime about what a jerk he was being. A few seconds later, I would hear Dan call up from downstairs, "I love you too, jackass." Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! And yes, that did happen on more than one occasion. I don't learn lessons very well.)
- Marlo or Gunner decide to dump-out only when the streets are teaming with people or cars. I have since started taking them out after dark!
- I am in a meeting and my stomach makes a fart noise.
- I introduce people and use the wrong name.
- I tell an inappropriate joke to the wrong audience.
- The coupon, promotional code, discount credit, or other VIP, MVP card is EXPIRED!!!
There are also without fail moments, more recently, that I never take for granted. I look forward to these moments, because they are signs from above. They are not moments that I move on from quickly, some because I want to linger in the moment, and some because of the pain. Either way, I cherish them.
- When I go to a restaurant or bar, Dan's favorite songs come on right when I need to know he's with me.
- When I am driving, songs that we considered "our" songs come on to keep me company through the drive.
- When I am toiling in the yard, the blue jay watches me and lets me get so close. He wasn't scared off the day I broke down in the yard.
- When I visit his grave site, I am the only person there. It's just the two of us again.
- When I smell lemon or lime I am flooded with memories of our wedding day.
However, my favorite without fail moments have come on my runs ever since the passing of Dan.
Without fail, when I run, I get goosebumps whether it's 75 degrees or 110. I know he runs with me every time. Those goosebumps encourage me to finish this race called life. Finish it for my Dan.
And I will.....without fail.