Thursday, September 5, 2013

Dear Mom


I am twenty weeks pregnant today, twenty of the hardest and the most beautiful weeks that I haven't been able to share with you. Nick and I are having a little girl! We laid in bed the night we found out and wondered if you and Barbara already knew that though.

I keep thinking about the morning that Jaime went into labor with Lilly. Ryan called me around 4:45 in the morning. I am not even sure I brushed my teeth before rushing to the hospital to wait to meet the angel. You arrived not long after in a stylish outfit, hair done, and lipstick. Even though you never needed a speck of makeup, you always looked perfect. Your light from the inside shown so brightly on your outside.  You were and will always be the most beautiful woman I've ever known.

Last Saturday I went to Babies R' Us. I've been getting really overwhelmed when looking at baby items because of price and not mention there is SO MUCH STUFF!! I started small looking at the bottles, spoons, and bibs. My eyes went to a pink bib that said, "If Mom says no, just ask Grandma." My first thought was, "That shouldn't say Grandma, it should say GiGi." Then, I lost my breath. My daughter won't have her GiGi. She will only  know you through stories, pictures, and the love left behind in your legacy. Even though that love is great, it's not enough. I need you, my daughter needs her GiGi. The tears started in that aisle so I moved along wiping them away as casually as I had something in my eyes. I continued through the car seats, the swings, the strollers, pack and plays, and finally the cribs. By the time I reached the cribs I was in serious need of tissues. I looked around and noticed that every pregnant woman was with their mother Of Course! They were all trying not to stare at me. I decided it was time to get out of Dodge and stop making everyone in the whole store feel uncomfortable!

I sat in my truck for a long while in between panicking about my lack of knowledge about babies and grieving the fact that I couldn't just call you, ask all my questions, and have you alleviate all my fears. I texted Jaim through my tears and she said it the best, "It just sucks and it isn't fair." There is no way around it. It sucks. It isn't fair. (Sorry, I know you hate the word sucks).

Some days when I am driving I imagine how a conversation between us might go.

Hi Momma
Hi Darling, how ya doing?
I'm good, a little tired, a little back pain, but good.
Are you using a heating pad for your back? I remember Jaime was able to take some Tylenol doll, are you taking any Tylenol?
Yes ma'am, I just worry about drugging that little baby too much.
Awwwww, that sweet baby
I'm still throwing up every day in the morning and I am halfway through my pregnancy!
Oh Bayba, I was so sick with you. Just be happy that you haven't already gained 50 pounds like I did when I was carrying you. I was a house! It's no wonder we called you the Michelin Baby.
And I'll never live it down! Good thing I didn't end up with an eating disorder because of that nickname Mom!!
Laugh, laugh, laugh, and then I dubbed you Lumpy as a teenager!!

We would both laugh and I would try to bottle that laugh. Fill my insides with the sound of your voice and the sweetness of your words. I would live in that moment.

I miss you every day. I wish you could see my belly. I wish you could see Chris with Lilly and Roman and how much they love him. He was born to be a "Bud". I just wish you were here.

Some days I imagine you can peek in on us and catch a glimpse of all of us "holding down the fort" without you. I imagine that you can hear Lilly when she says, "I love my family, my family is beautiful." We appreciate the times we have together so much because we know all too well how short and precious life is. Thank you for teaching us to love the Lord and love each other with open hearts.

Till the next time we meet, from my world to yours, and with all the love in my heart,