Monday, July 30, 2012

I Lie Awake

I laid awake last night feeling confused. I am usually very confident and deliberate (sometimes impulsive) but nothing is done without thought. Last night I questioned every decision I have made since the beginning of this new life I speak about. This new life is not just the one as a widow, but one that is without her Mother now too. I thought of Dan last night, I thought of Mom, and I thought of the future. As I laid on my back with my eyes following the shadows on the ceiling, the thought of the future was more like a ride into The Fire Swamp than a skip into The Enchanted Forrest. I thought of Nick and the patience it must take to be pledged to spend an eternity with someone who's life has been so shaped by tragic events. I then wondered if he was scared too. I wonder sometimes if he thinks something might happen to him if he marries me. Reading this you might find it silly, thinking that "of course" I'm not cursed and God's plan is the one that rules, but I feel this way and it hurts.

In and out of sleep (with the help of Unisom) I look at the clock and try and push thoughts out of my head. Thoughts of Mom's final breaths, thoughts of hate and hurt that have occurred since Dan's death, and horrible thoughts of losing Gunner popped in my mind last night too! He seemed to have gotten even more gray when we were on vacation, so of course my mind found the worst thoughts and brought them to the surface.

The worst of it came this morning in a dream that felt so real. I know everyone has experienced a dream that when you wake up you are still feeling whatever emotion had occurred in the dream. My head was spinning, I was sweating, and everything around my eyes was foggy.

Dan and I were walking down the street. He was exactly as he always was. After some weird conversations that don't even make enough sense to write down, there was a moment in the dream that was so real. He grabbed my hand and looked at my engagement ring, then he showed me his ring finger still decorated with his wedding band. He told me, "I don't want to get a divorce." I started to cry in the dream, and said, "We are NOT divorced! You are gone! You left ME! We will never be divorced!" After some other strange happenings in the dream he pulled out his cell phone and asked for Nick's number. I knew in my dream that Dan was not alive, and I kept thinking about how scared Nick would be if he received a phone call from the after life. I asked Dan, "What do you want to say?" He never got to answer me, I woke up... just as confused as when I had gone to bed last night.

So now what?

I am sitting here sipping my second cup of coffee, tearing up, and honestly feeling a little sorry for myself. I hate that.

This morning might be the morning that I break the mental barrier I have had about running since Mom's death. Nick and I trained up until the actual weekend of the marathon, but Mom was so sick I couldn't bear to go. Since then, I haven't been able to get back into it. I haven't had the strength to use it as a tool of healing like I did with Dan. I think I will go dust off those shoes right now.

I also just confirmed a lunch date with my Michelle, and she always makes things better. I am so appreciative of my family and my good-for-the-soul friends.

Here are the things I want: I want to sleep. I want to stop thinking of the exact moment my Mom left this Earth and start thinking about all the smiles and hugs we shared for the other 32 years of my life her. I want to stop worrying. I am terrified something is going to happen to the ones I love, and I want it to STOP! I want to start running again, and I want to start now. I want to start praying again without the anger I feel in my throat as I speak. I want my anxiety to go away. I want to feel like ME again.