Thursday, June 28, 2012

Last Night

I left school last night feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. By the time I got to the light I had run through all my stress mechinisms and was still feeling anxious. Just that fast, her face popped into my mind. Her smile, and more than anything her love filled voice. I wanted to call my Mom. I wanted her to listen to me complain about how much work I have to do, all the trivial things that are equivalent to a grain of salt in the ocean. But she would always listen. She would have had words of support, I would have instantly felt better.

My chest started to ache. The tears came without any control, and I could barely see the road. I pulled into my community and grabbed for my purse. The only other person in the world who knows EXACTLY what I am feeling right now is my sister. I called her and couldn't even speak for the first few minutes. By the time I stopped crying and was able to hear over my own moans, I could hear her tears. Honestly, if we would have just hung up the phone at that moment, I would have known that she feels it too. Jaim let me cry and talk and be mad and most of all we just talked about how shocking it is. Shocking that every day since May 7th 2012 will be lived without Mom. She hasn't seen Roman walk, She won't see me walk down the isle, she won't see Lilly walk to the bus on her first day of school, she won't see the birth of my first child.

She is here, I know, but she isn't here.

My heart hurt all night last night and I woke with that same twinge sadness today. I would love to be able to mope around today, but that's not the plan. The plan is to cowboy up and tackle the day.

Lord~ Thank you for my sister, for if it wasn't for her, this might be more than I can handle.