About 10 months ago, anxieties and fears never properly dealt with and one big health issue plagued our family. My last blog was about the other shoe, and it fell hard. It shook our marriage, it shook our world, and it just about capsized our boat. But it didn't.
God (and our family and friends) carried us through last summer. As Fall rolled through, another "new life's" path lay before us. Our family walked it, hand in hand. Winter brought a newness that was prettier than the first sticking flakes. Spring blew in, and with it, those same anxieties that always weighed me down. Anxieties that I perfected at hiding. But not this time. I had new tools and a renewed faith. Not that my faith in God ever wavered, but I needed a reminder that He is in control, not I. I needed a reminder that I can't control what others do, and living in fear isn't really living. Now I try my best to live a different FEAR everyday. Face Everything And Rise. Is it working perfectly? Of course not.
I have lost a husband, so the fact that I am kinda psycho if Nick goes radio silent on me, makes sense. I lost my mom, so when I walk into a Walgreens or CVS in May and can't stop crying, it makes sense. I lost an unborn child and almost lost Levi, so when I panic a little over a high fever, it makes sense. Someone who has lived through the trauma that I have, will always let that sneaky little, "what if" set off a heart palpitation or two. What makes the most sense, however, is that I know I am not driving. When I can really put my hands up and say, "Lord, just show me where to go", is when I have the most peace.
Instead of looking at the trials and tribulations of this past year or so as place of ruins, I see the shaking of our proverbial world as a force that cracked and tore down walls that needed to go worse than Berlin's. We were blessed with a new foundation to rebuild, and the tools we needed to do it. Brick by painful and joyful brick, we have been rebuilding and repaving our (always winding) road.
Tomorrow would be mine and Dan's TEN year wedding anniversary. If someone had told me before I walked down the aisle where I would be and what I would have to endure in the next 10 years, I might have kissed him one last time and gotten on a plane to BFE, never to be seen again.
"Celebrating" ten years at the cemetery is never in the, "plan". However, I will talk (out loud) to Dan about my life now and ALL the beauty that it holds. It might sound to some that I am not being humble when saying this, but I am really proud of myself. I've worked very hard to be my best self for me, and more so to be the best example for my children. I am not ashamed to say that I have put in MANY therapy hours to be here. And in light of learning about Kate Spade and all of those who suffer in silence, all of those who self medicate in unhealthy ways, please talk to someone.
Finally, I am going to give my husband an enormous internet hug in saying that the work he has put in for our family these past 10 months is unsurpassed. And since sports (oh, and us) are your life, I am going to say that we are the best team out there! WE CAN'T BE BEAT...wait, ALL CAPS are for something else, right? ;-)
Spread kindness not poison, everyone. XO