Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Blue Jay

You might remember reading about my experience with the lawn mower the summer after Dan died. Just to recap: I purchased a mower, put it together, filled it with oil and gas, just to have it cut out on me every time I mowed one row. I cried, screamed, panicked, pounded the ground with my fist cursing all things living and inanimate until I glanced up and saw the beautiful Blue Jay.
That Blue Jay was an every day occurrence for weeks and months after that moment. He was a symbol of hope and reassurance for the beauty of life. As time passed, he didn't show up daily, however would show his glamorous colors every now and again, reminding me to smile and appreciate my gifts.
Since I've met Nick, and fallen in love again my winding road has been a pleasant stroll through wild wilderness where everything is fresh and every experience a new and very much wanted "first." Who, of those that knew me in the darkest year of my life, would think that I would ever get to such a place on this road? I never did.
Just as I am smiling in the breeze, opening my eyes to other birds and their colors, I feel the Earth shake. It isn't another Earthquake, it's worse. My rock, my friend, the one who has and always will know best, my Mother, falls ill. I find myself swimming in the same pool of WHY???
I feel myself turning around on the road and heading in the opposite direction. I am sad, at times I am manic. Up Down Up Down Up Down, where am I? Did I just laugh and have a good time with friends...because I shouldn't. How can I do that when my Mom is in pain. When my mom is wrapped up in a blanket, tired eyes, bald head in a scarf?
WHY? Do I embrace this selfishly at times and say things like, "You took my husband from me, You are NOT ALLOWED to take my Mom." or "Don't you think I weathered enough?" "I JUST learned how to live again", why WHy WHY?????
While the tears roll down my face they scrape like knives. They remember the route they have fallen in the past and rush down the familiar path. I know hurt. I know pain. How am I supposed to be strong and positive when I haven't yet learned to not "think the worst." HOW? WHY?
As these thoughts raced (like always) during a run yesterday, I found it hard to breathe. Was it the hill I was climbing? The weight I've put on? The weight of the World? Maybe you should just give up, Tiffin. You've run half marathons don't HAVE to do this one. You have a lot on your plate right now, it's ok to make excuses. When you get to the top, go ahead and stop to catch your breath. At the top of the hill I never had a chance to stop. Out of the left corner of my eye, a bright blue friend flew in front of my face. He perched a little further ahead of me on the fence. He watched me, closely. (Yes, you can say that I'm crazy because I wouldn't give up in front of a blue jay) but I didn't. I ran so close to him before he spread his wings and darted into a nearby pine. Hi Dan. Thank you.
Coincidence? Maybe. Divine intervention? Not so sure about that. A myth I allow myself to believe for the purpose of comfort? Possibly. Has the ability to put wind back in my sail, to pony up and face the storm? Absolutely.
The road just got longer and the terrain nothing less than rough. My strength will rise and fall with my spirits. If I have learned anything so far these are the most important lessons:
  • Lean on the ones that love you the most. Tell them every day what they mean to you.
  • The people that leave this world, are never really gone. Allow their gifts to live on in your character and actions.
  • Find the silver lining in the storm cloud that is for casted to stick around.
  • Know that you are never walking the road alone, even when there is one set of "footprints."
  • Let courage fuel your positive thinking instead of fear fueling depression.
  • And, Pray out loud.

To my friends whom have felt the effects of my distance, and sadness lately: I am so sorry. Kym~ I haven't even seen your beautiful baby and that makes my heart ache. Kirty~ I've almost forgotten the sound of your infectious laugh. Hilly~ your text messages make me smile every day, but I need to hug you. Sputty~ My godson and his amazing brothers probably have forgotten I even exist. I am so sorry. Jessi~ Thank goodness we have a date, my life is fuller with you in it. Olivia~ Thank you for being the friend I can ALWAYS call, even at the wee hours of the morning, because you always answer, and we always pick right back up where we left off. To my best friend, My sister~ we talk every day, we text and email constantly, we had dinner last week, but IT ISN'T enough!! Do my sweet niece and nephew even know me anymore?? There might have to be a move in the future. Or I am just going to quit this super stressful job of mine and be their full time nanny. I will work for smiles and the sound of Lilly saying, "TEEEEEEEE, I love you so much."

This has taken me over an hour to write. I had to stop to wipe tears, blow my nose as well as, cry again at a commercial for a Tom Hanks/Sandra Bullock movie that is coming out. Tears are cleansing and so is writing and sharing my thoughts. Your prayers for my Mom are helping, so please keep them coming. If you get a minute the rest of my family could use some too. Love to all.