Monday, August 22, 2011

One Step Forward, Three Steps Back

In some ways it seems like forever ago that I was starting my first "new" school year without Dan, in some ways it seems like yesterday. Tomorrow will begin the school year for 2011-2012.
I've continued down this winding road, and am in a very different place than I was at the start of the last school year. With every passing day, I got stronger. I fell in love again, I've made new friends, new family members were introduced to the world, I ran 4 half marathons, and the issues involving Dan's estate are on the path to being made right.
Yet, again, I find myself with a heavy heart.
I woke up this morning and made coffee and a smoothie for breakfast. I walked outside and felt the warm sun hit my skin in between the blowing short breezes. I thought of the things I wanted to do today (my last day off). I want to run, make sure I'm set for tomorrow, do Marlo's exercises with him...etc. Then all of a sudden it hits me. It is actual pain that shoots from my chest to my bellybutton. My mom is sick, my mom is really sick and there is nothing I can do to make it better. My mom is in pain, emotionally and physically, and there is nothing I can do to make it better. My mom has a really long hard road in front of her and there is nothing I can do to shorten it. The guilt of planning out my day, feeling good, singing along with the radio permeates throughout my body. Now I'm sick, my stomach hurts.
I am really scared. I am also angry and confused. My mother has lived her entire life for the Lord. He is always first, He is always the answer, He is our strength. I don't understand how a woman who has dedicated her life to living and preaching His Word has to suffer. Shouldn't she be a candidate for a pass, a freakin' get out of jail free card? I remember this part of the road from losing Dan. I am mad and trying to answer questions that can not be answered by anyone here on this Earth. It doesn't stop me from asking them, though.
Keep those prayers going for the days that I get too upset to pray. For the days that my words to the Big Man turn ugly because of hurt. I am going to end this with a prayer. I pray for tomorrow to bring me strength and hope in the smiles of precious children. I pray I can lead them to knowledge and morals through example and love. I pray to hold strong, and learn to lean on those around me when I can't. I pray to continue to believe in miracles, and the power of hope.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

What A Week

It was Sunday. I got a phone call from my lawyer about our upcoming court appearance dealing with Dan's estate. I've been dealing with issues related to his estate (and the person in charge of it) since moment one of my life without Dan. I fell apart after this phone call. A hard heavy sob came from unknown depths. Was it because there might be a resolution? Was it because the light of truth would finally be shone? Was it because evil and deceitful would be unmasked? Or, was it because no matter what, Dan still wouldn't be here?
This week was going to be hard, time to put on my game face. Late Sunday night: One of my best friends whom has been having a problematic third pregnancy and was confined to a hospital bed, sends a text that reads, "Baby coming now." My heart drops and I immediately begin to pray. I pray so hard and long, I don't even know when the prayer stopped and I fell asleep. Around 1:45 Monday morning, another text came that announced my Godson, Zachary's early arrival. He is little, early, on a breathing tube, but healthy. His mom, lost 80% of her own blood. She had numerous transfusions, and countless other procedures to save her life. TO SAVE HER LIFE. Just writing that, I get chills. We could have lost our Sputty. Thank you to God and all the angels, she is still here, beautiful, and smiling.
Monday afternoon. Anticipation of Marlo's surgery and court are rising. I speak with my step dad and he tells me about a procedure my mom is having the next day, Tuesday. I stifle a cry. I need to get off the phone. I need to call my sister. Jaime answers, I am trying not to sound frantic, but I want to know what is going on with our mom. Jaime tells me, and I lose it. My walls feel like they are closing in on me. I have been self consumed with my own issues, I was not aware of my own mother's. Guilt, confusion, anxiety, and fear come out in the form of hot tears.
It is not my place to announce my mother's business especially via blog, however, I will say the power of prayer is strong. Add her to your prayer chain, my prayer warriors.
Tuesday morning, Nick and I drop precious Marlo off at VOSM (the Ritz of orthopedic surgical facilities). Nick's funny jokes and quick wit keep me from crying. The staff immediately falls in love with Marlo (of course) and he happily trots away with the nurse. Afterwards, I go with Hilly to visit Sputty. We laugh and tell stories. I love doped up Amanda, I love not-doped up Amanda, but she was funny and entertaining. Tuesday night. I get the news from my mom's procedure. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I break inside, here come those walls, faster than ever. Tomorrow is a big day. I'm nervous, sad, and I can't sleep. Gunner paces around the bedroom wanting to know where his brother is. I miss him too, boy. He'll be home tomorrow.
Very early Wednesday morning, I get up and make coffee. I should have made decaf considering how jumpy I already was. I got ready, called to check on Marlo, nursed a nervous stomach, talked to my sister, got a text from Nick that made me snort laugh (which I needed), and waited for my dad to come pick me up. At the courthouse, my dad, step dad, two lawyers, and I spent the duration of the morning in the hearing. The outcome was justice. It was exactly what should have happened. Actually, it never should have gotten this far if promises had been kept and duties been upheld, and what Dan would have wanted considered, but I digress.
I wanted so badly for when this outcome surfaced, to expose the people who have been the root of this unnecessary pain. I wanted to tell the world, what Dan and I already knew about them before all of this. I don't want to anymore. I feel just as good knowing that THEY know, how wrong they were. BY LAW, BY MORALS, BY ALL DEFINITIONS OF HUMANITY, they know they were wrong.
"All evil needs to succeed is for good men to do nothing." ~ Edmund Burke. I stood up against evil in the name of my late husband, in the reality of what HE would have wanted for me, what he DOES want for me, and evil did not succeed.
As I sit here now, with Marlo drugged and coned beside me, Gunner resting beside him, I think of the past few days. I also focus on what is ahead. There is no end to this winding road, and no promise that it will flatten or be paved. I do, however, have the promise of not walking any of it alone.