Friday, May 6, 2016


Tomorrow. Not the futuristic tomorrow of infinite possibilities, but the actual tomorrow....May 7th.

It weighs on my heart the moment the calendar turns to May. For me, it's more like April showers bring May sours. May 7th is the day our mother, who loved to live, took her last breath. Her last moments are burned in my mind. I remember needing to leave hospice as fast as I could. She was gone, and I needed to go too. I had no place to go but home, but I needed to get there with urgency. I needed to scream into my pillow and crawl into my turtle shell.

I was alone when I got home and I remember going out back with the dogs and sitting at the patio table. I opened a beer and had scrounged up a stale Marlboro Light that needed smoking at that moment. I will never forget thinking, It is such a beautiful day, and my mom just died. My mom is gone forever. Then as I took another drag, I pictured her looking down on me from the clouds. I imagined just how incredibly disappointed she'd be to see me smoking a cigarette, so I put it out. (The beer, I continued to drink). The tears, they continued as well. The tears haven't stopped yet.


Tomorrow is your angel date. I know you are the angel with the biggest smile in Heaven, because your smile lit up earth when you were here. I feel you with me the most at night when I am reading, giggling, and snuggling with Lawson. You should hear her laugh, it is impossible not to smile. She asked the other night, looking at your picture on her wall, "Mommy who's that?" I said, Lawson that is my mommy, that is your GIGI. She said, "yah, mommy." That is all she said, but all I could think was that somehow, someway, she knows you. Does she know you because I am half of you? Does she know you because you visit her in her dreams? I don't know, but I have to believe that. As the date draws near for our son to be born, I have to believe you know him too. I picture you with his twin sister, bouncing her on your knee, holding her to your neck, wrapping her in your wings. I wish I could see you both. I wish you both were here. Nothing about tomorrow is easy for the ones that miss you here on earth. My comfort is that easy is all you have for all of eternity. As always, thank you for teaching me how to be a mommy. Thank you for all of your sacrifices, and thank you for endless love you showered upon us. I use your words as I lay Lawson down every night. She now says them along with me. "You are my gift, my joy, and my treasure, and I love you."

I miss you, I love you, and I will see you in all things beautiful and true.

Your bayba