Saturday, March 10, 2012

Tonight's Raw Pain

I am sick of walking to bathroom, so I brought the roll of toilet paper to the table. I can't stop crying. I have tried, but I can't. My nose is as raw as these emotions. God is not going to save my Mom. He has saved her spirit and soul in every sense of the word, but not her body. She has loved Him and lived her life for Him and now, He needs her closer. But I need her too. I need my Mom.

I never asked to start living this "New Life". The one that threw me into 'club widow' at the age of 29, but I did it. I picked myself up by the bootstraps and did it...I'm still doing it. Now, I've begged and pleaded and sobbed and am sobbing because I am not strong enough for the next, "New Life." The life without my Mom. I am not strong enough for this. My heart is broken into a thousand little pieces.

As I layed in bed with her today, she fell asleep holding my hand. I stared at her and for a long time, it is my hand. Our hands are the same, right down to the half moon cuticle on our thumbs. Those hands have held me up in my darkest of hours, for 32 years. Now my hands are the ones helping her to bed. I am not strong enough for this.

I must be the most selfish person in the world. My Mother is enduring torture, yet, still I cry... I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THIS!

I lived in the land of denial for a long time. Reality is a terrible place right now. I deal with this by writing, crying, and sleeping. Jaime calls it my "turtle time" and that is where I feel safe. I am going to go into my shell now and sleep. I am not strong enough for this.