We all have coping mechanisms. My first line of defense is always humor with a sprinkle of self deprecation. When I can't laugh away the stress, or finding a release of emotions seems too daunting, I turtle. It feels like I have two heads with two faces to show the world. I know how to power through, smile through pain, and get the job done. What doesn't show is the overwhelmed, overstimulated face hiding in a shell. That face has eyes closed, ears plugged, lips sealed. I'd rather set myself on fire than burden anyone else or ask for help. I am laughing as I write this recalling a text from Sputty saying, "T, you ok? Trying not invade your shell." The Friend lumbers along beside me waiting to check in when I pop my real head out for air. My sister on the other hand has never been patient and just barges her way right into my shell with me. At this point, she has her own living quarters in there. I wouldn't have it any other way.
When shoes start dropping, it is hard for me to compartmentalize one problem from another and built up stress brings out anxiety. When my anxiety rears it's forked tongue, everything bubbles on the top like a boiling witch's cauldron. My body remembers past anxiety and then I am not only stressed about what is happening in my life currently, but I start feeling depression symptoms of past hurts. Timelines don't exist when it comes to grief.
The worst part of my turtling happens when the shell finally cracks and I see the world around me. It feels like when you first wake up from a beach nap. Everything is a little too bright, you're a bit sweaty, you are alone on the towel and strangers are staring at you, most likely happy that the snoring has stopped! Then, you see your friends and family on the shore line and they sparkle. They are smiling and laughing, and all of a sudden they are waving you down to join them. As you slowly get up to stretch and shake some sand out of your hair, you wonder how long you've been out. You begin the uncomfortable, hot, long walk to the water, all the while knowing that when you make it there, it's all going to be ok.
This is me at the water.
My shell is put away for another time. I am here to apologize to my friends whom I haven't been a friend to in a while because of my turtling. I love you, I miss you, I'll be better.
The next time this happens, Dolly has threatened to chew me out the shell. Lawson has coined the phrase, "Dolly is out to Murdle a Turtle again." *No turtles have actually been killed in the making of these videos. 😉🐢🐢
