I am sick of walking to bathroom, so I brought the roll of toilet paper to the table. I can't stop crying. I have tried, but I can't. My nose is as raw as these emotions. God is not going to save my Mom. He has saved her spirit and soul in every sense of the word, but not her body. She has loved Him and lived her life for Him and now, He needs her closer. But I need her too. I need my Mom.
I never asked to start living this "New Life". The one that threw me into 'club widow' at the age of 29, but I did it. I picked myself up by the bootstraps and did it...I'm still doing it. Now, I've begged and pleaded and sobbed and am sobbing because I am not strong enough for the next, "New Life." The life without my Mom. I am not strong enough for this. My heart is broken into a thousand little pieces.
As I layed in bed with her today, she fell asleep holding my hand. I stared at her and for a long time, it is my hand. Our hands are the same, right down to the half moon cuticle on our thumbs. Those hands have held me up in my darkest of hours, for 32 years. Now my hands are the ones helping her to bed. I am not strong enough for this.
I must be the most selfish person in the world. My Mother is enduring torture, yet, still I cry... I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THIS!
I lived in the land of denial for a long time. Reality is a terrible place right now. I deal with this by writing, crying, and sleeping. Jaime calls it my "turtle time" and that is where I feel safe. I am going to go into my shell now and sleep. I am not strong enough for this.
big hugs my sweet friend.I wish I had the right words to say. Just know that we are all here for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteTiffin I am so sorry. I really have no other words right now other than I pray that god will give you the strength to make it through.
ReplyDeleteTiffin... I am so sorry. I am Holding you close in my heart and lifting you in prayer. Praying for God to hold you both close, bringing you comfort and peace in this time. It's a terrible thing to lose someone to such a wicked disease, but you are also lucky to hold her close and help her. These are precious times as you well know. You ARE strong enough, and know that God's grace and love are there to help you be strong enough... Let Him Hold you, rest in him. Remember one thing that has helped me thru some of the worst things in my life, that the word "help" can be a prayer.
ReplyDeleteSending love and prayers for grace and comfort and strength,
~Suzanne
Tiffin, I do not know you, but am a friend of a friend who also knows the pain of losing a mother. I offer you this poem, which gave me comfort. Even if doesn't today, I hope it will:
ReplyDelete"within me there are two forces. They are my constant companions.
One is a thing of beauty. I call it hope - it is a gift from God.
It brings me much happiness and enables me to dance, even though darkness lurks.
The other is great darkness. It comes whether invited or not.
It's a painful place where I don't want to go. Although sometimes I do. After all, iy is my constant companion.
Willingly or not, I must go. I have no choice. I have learned to stay outsidebonly prolongs going through it.
Memories come rushing back. They fill me. They drown me. Some are sweet. Some are too painful to bear.
I sit in these memories recalling them all. The pain builds until I can bear it no more.
There are no words for this pain. Only those who have lived it can comprehend it.
I am tired. I am alone. I am empty. I am ready to leave the darkness.
And there it is - hope, to lead me out of the pain beyond the emptiness.
Oh how my soul is lifted. Gods love prevails. Even when I can't feel Him, He is waiting for me.
He fills me. He gives me hope. My soul dances to a new song.
My pain subsides but it does not disappear. I rejoice in this hope knowing that darkness can return any time.
Lord, you promise to be with me always. Help me fully believe. It is Your light that overcomes my darkness. You are my hope and my salvation. You fill me with a new joy."
Your hope and your strength is within you. May you find it when you need it most.
Oh my dear sweet T. You do not need to be strong right now. We will hold you up.
ReplyDeleteXoxo
Kymmie
I was told about your site through a friend. 1 month and 12 days ago I became a widow. 14 days before my 30th bday. I have somehow developed a connection to every word that I have read. Tonight I will add you and your mom to my prayer list. May God's hand of healing touch your mom and may His arm if strength uphold you.
ReplyDeleteOh Tanisha, we have so much in common. Right before we turned 30, our worlds were turned upside down, for a reason we will not know until we too are called Home. Please contact me at any time,hopefully your friend has more of my information. Love to you, my sister in grief.
ReplyDelete