How Do You Remember?

When someone says, "Do you remember....?", you immediately begin searching your mind for stored information in the vast filing system that is our brain, but did you know that your body actually remembers too? Our bodies are capable of remembering on a cellular level. My therapist explained this to me last December when I told her that I was having the sensation of being startled throughout the day, and nothing was "startling". My fingertips would randomly go numb and I would think that I was having some sort of circulatory malfunction. The weirdness passed and I trucked through December like I always do, enjoying the magic and reason of the season through my children's eyes.

The beginning of this December brought so much excitement in our household. Lawson experiencing all-things-December that go along with being in school now. Levi is at that perfect age where EVERY Christmas blow-up, EVERY Santa on TV, EVERY ornament, EVERY light perpetuates a joyous smile-to-scream of electrifying excitement.

On the 3rd, Lawson had an ENT appointment where we learned that she needs to have her tonsils and adenoids removed. Even though, the thought of having my little love go under for an operation is terrifying in itself, I was quite calm and realized that, "the juice is totally worth the squeeze" in this case. Lawson breathes like she's been hittin' Virginia Slim Menthols for 20 years and snores like a bear. She is experiencing apnea which makes this is a no-brainer.

It was either that day or the next, I started having a tightness in my chest. It felt like I couldn't quite get a deep breath or like I was wearing a significantly too tight bra. I talked to Nick about it, and mentioned it to a few people, but wasn't overly concerned, because I am me, and I always have weird stuff going on.

I was not yet putting 2 and 2 together.

I hadn't had moments of sadness or allowed my mind to wonder into darker Decembers. It wasn't until I had a dream of Dan playing his guitar and singing by the Christmas tree at my parents' old house, for me to wake up, sweaty and gross and think, "That's it!" "It is freaking December!" My body is remembering!!

My body recognizes that this is another Holiday season without my mom. My body remembers that on in December we lost Levi's twin sister. My body remembered that ridiculously bumpy and painful ride home from Johns Hopkins when I embodied 2 heartbeats, although on the way there, I had 3. My body remembers that on New Years Eve 10 years ago, TEN freaking years ago (in 9 days), I was getting ready for a fun night out. My body was remembering that drive to the ER, My body was remembering what the cold rain smelled like that night. My body was also creating chaos around Lawson's upcoming surgery that my mind wasn't even touching! My body was telling me that I am not allowed to have the bright and shiny December my mind believes I deserve.

Once all of this was laid out in front of me like a map, I was able to began my every year December healing. It begins with all of my blessings: My incredible family, our 2 children that ooze happiness and personality, a tribe of friends like no other, and a husband that is dedicated to our family beyond compare. It ends with the celebration of Christ's birth and the excitement of what a new year brings us.

Honestly, the more I think about it, it doesn't end. December is a truly happy time for me in recent years. My kids' eyes gleam with so much wonder and awe that it's easy to, "believe" right along with them. December will always come and will inevitably go, but I will always continue to heal. I will always continue to remember, and I choose to remember the good.

I will be okay when my body chooses to forget. I will be better than okay, I will be better.

Having my baby go under the knife next month is a whole new beast, but I'll tackle that month upon arrival!!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy All Holidays and may the new year bring you and your family nothing but wonderful things that you will always remember. All my love.