A Decade

This post is kind of piggy-back on my last.

There is something so connected about depression/anxiety and trauma. I am jittery and want to run or keep moving, yet I don't have the energy and just lay around in sweats, pretending to be, "present" while playing blocks or Barbies with my kids; mind constantly in motion, yet zombie status at the same time. It is all so weird, yet so very real. 

 

Besides the trauma-ghost living in my body, I have come across a few things these past 2 days that sent my mind spinning. I was cleaning out a table/desk that we have kept a Peace Lily on since Dan's funeral (Only plant I have ever kept alive, and thriving, I might add). Shoved in this little table were, 2 bathing suits, a Lilly Sport Boats sweatshirt (I'd been missing that), a candle, 2 Christmas cards from the early 2000s, and then, there they were:

A stack of square manila cards rubber-banded together. I took the band off, and immediately it all came flooding back. I sat for a good 30 minutes reading these cards from the 3rd grade class of 2009/2010. I remember receiving these cards a few weeks after Dan died. I read each one of them, and dropped alligator tears on most. Reading them for a second time, the other day, brought such a different wave of emotion. I laughed at, "My rat died when I was 3, so I know how you feel" and one that made me think, no truer words, She wrote: "I am so sorry you are lost". I know she meant, I am sorry for your loss, but boy was she ever right as rain. I was so very lost. 

Then today rolls around. I am tired as soon as I wake up. Carbs and kid overload have me needing a juice cleanse and a momcation. The kids are eating a morning snack and watching The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl for the catrillionth time. I take a sip from my 20 oz, full to the brim, second of the day, coffee. I use this two minutes of time when the kids have food in their mouths to scroll FB. "Your Memories on Facebook" is at the top of the feed. This is the post that pops up:

Besides the fact that was a ridiculous, "status" that I am not sure why I thought anyone would give a shit about (Thanks Doreen and Michelle for showing me some love), the sheer fact that in just about 24 hours post-post, my entire life would be on a different path. I would be a 29 year old widow with 2 fur babies, kept alive for the next several months by Ensure and my sister. I hope I enjoyed that lovely and relaxing day. 

Did I read this "memory" this morning and think (like a normal person), wow, that is so wild, what a crazy, winding road...? NO. It gave me full on permission to become an anxiety psycho. I immediately began creating my own chaos. When this happens, I think of all of the horrible things that could possibly happen to my family. I start staring like a crazy person at my children thinking about what things about this exact moment I will remember when they are gone OR what will they remember about me? Nick was Levi's age when his mom died. Will Levi have memories of me when he gets older? Will he remember how much we laughed or will he remember me today in my sweatpants, frantically scrubbing things around the house, because cleaning and organizing is the only thing I feel that I can control right now? Would Nick sing Twinkle Twinkle to Lawson every night? 

STOP IT!!!! NONE OF THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN!! THIS IS NOT HOW THE WORLD WORKS! THIS IS NOT HOW GOD WORKS!!  (That is my sane self yelling at my psycho self at this point in my created state of crazy.) 

Then the migraine kicked in and I needed to lay down. Emotional activity is harder on me than physical activity! Thank goodness for Nick, coming home from work, seeing the need to be alone in my eyes and taking over on daddy-duty. After some Motrin, a rest, a hot shower, and prayer, I headed to CVS (aka my happy place), the grocery store (without children this can also be a very happy place), and the liquor store. I asked the woman behind the counter for her smallest bottle of Patron for my date with Dan tomorrow. She only had a medium size and said, "come on, go big or go home." I smiled and said, "That's fine, he'll be happy". She smiled back, and said, "Of course he will, a pretty lady buying him a drink, who wouldn't?"  If she only knew that we were talking about someone who is dead. Dead for 10 years. Gone in the blink of an eye, forever 30 yrs old, for 10 whole years. 

The night has come and my chaos is subsiding, although there is some melancholy under the remaining tightness in my chest. 

The Patron is chilling in the fridge, my kids are tucked in safe and tight, and now I have spilled my truth onto this keyboard and into your hearts. I won't fully be able to rest until Nick makes it home safely from his football draft tonight, but I am starting to already feel a bit better. 

I know in my sane mind that tomorrow is not "doomsday". It is not the end of the world, and I will  not be sitting around holding my breath waiting for something terrible to happen.  I will wake up positive, I will go for a run to round out my running miles for the year at 530!!!! Then I will pack up Patron and meet Dan for our annual drink. After our drink, my family and I will go to a party to welcome 2020 with open arms and big smiles. Thankful for each other and all that we have. 

As always, I am thankful to you, whom allow me to share this journey. Happy New Year.