11 New Year's Eves

11 years. 11 years since I stood at the top of the stairs holding up two prospective tops for our night out that evening with the Meredith's. 11 years since you smiled at me and said I would look great in anything. 11 years since my last words were, "I hate you" with a smile and an eye roll. That still stings. 

It took a long time before I could go to Target. With that day's timeline, it is most likely where I was when you took your last breath. I was right across the street from the gym, right across the street from you. I got a chai latte at the Starbucks there and it took a long time before I could drink those again too. 11 years since Marlo's howls, 11 years since Eileen's passenger seat. 11 years since the nurse who held my hand, and the doctor with tears in his eyes. 11 years since the police officer who handed me your wedding ring with heartfelt condolences in his eyes. 11 years since I said, "no" when they asked if I wanted to go back and see you. I was terrified to see you, knowing that if I went, it would be real. 11 years since my body eventually shut down and I fell into a shock-slumber, waking to your arms tight around my shoulders and saying, "Tiffin, I am so so sorry."

It was real. I know Dan visited me those wee hours of January 1, 2010. It's been 11 years since my life was divided into before being a widow, and after. I have grown, I have fallen, I have flourished, I have sank. But with every rise and fall, each twist and turn, I have always been moving forward on this road. Dan's spirit, his fire, his sense of humor....and that smile, it is always with me.

 

I have so many blessings: I have a husband who hold my hand every step of every journey and

is my biggest cheering section. We have the two weirdest, funny, and amazing children. My
family, my friends, my people!! They are beyond words incredible. I am grateful beyond any 
words.

 
 

I've never been a fan of the phrase, "Everything happens for a reason." I mean,  sure, it may (or may not) be true, but either way, it isn't helpful when your heart is in the depths of despair. Knowing the, "reason" will not be revealed until we 

look into the eyes of our Savior. It will be then when our lives will be laid out like 

road maps of paths that led us to Him. 

I do, however, know that His mysterious ways have steered me to a very strong, safe, and happy place. Never to forget the past, always to say I love you in the present, and never to take the future for granted.