Recently while watching, "The Chi", Jada shaved her head alone in her bathroom after inevitably losing chunks of hair due to treatment. She cried and although this was acting, it sparked a revelation and spirals of thought. 

My sister and I went with my mom when she shaved her head. She smiled the entire time. Her smile was like nothing I've seen since. Strong, graceful, brilliant, and filling the room with light. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I've never fully understood the strength (and love for that matter) of my mother, any mother.  Jada was able to cry and fall apart because she was alone at that moment. Alone with her reflection, alone with her thoughts, alone with her fears/anger, and she allowed herself to do it. I know now that my mom felt she couldn't break down, she was the epitome of strength. And I also know now that she felt the need...for us, her children. 

As my children get older, I find that I go through even more stages of grief. I think about my mom every day and from my earliest memories, I remember that connection. Now, I see the concerned look on my kids' faces when I bleed from nicking my knee in the shower, or stubbing my toe. Even if the pain is making my eyes water and my ears ring, I hug them and tell them, "Mommy is fine", "Everything is ok". Imagine that a million-fold. You aren't going to see either of your children's next birthday, but you smile and praise the Lord and glow like always, to maintain the stability even grown kids need to function. It makes me cry just writing it. 

Us moms hold onto a lot of shit for our kids and 90% of the time we are going through our own shit, silently dying inside for one reason or another, but grinning on the outside making sure their lives are as stress free as we can possibly make them. 

I am not sure if it is right or wrong, but I say cry! Break down sometimes!! I was raised in a sort of, "fix your makeup, hide your crazy, line your lips and keep them closed" kinda way. Sometimes, I agree, but there have been times that I was at my most, "human" in front of my kids and discussing it afterward made a bigger impact. Jaime and I often chuckle on the phone with other about how we, "dropped our basket" with our kids...and it's OK!! 

I wish my mom would have broken down. I wish I could have been her rock to lean on. I wish I wasn't the cause of her holding in emotion. But then again, that woman is where my strength and ability to, "press on" came from. She taught many lessons, most of which I am tying my hardest to pass along as well. Some of which, I am rewriting the script.  

To all of my friends and loved ones that are fighting a terrifying battle right now, that have won that battle, or that have had their lives changed forever because the battle ended...leaving you here to grieve, I see you. I pray for you. And even though I posses zero power, permission granted to go a little bat-shit sometimes too. 

Showing love and grace to others while you are healthy and well is a choice. Showing love and grace while suffering is a calling. Receiving the love grace is a blessing. Be somebody's blessing today...even if it means you let them yell and scream and cry. :-)