Yesterday, I was in the gym doing the 2,000th of what felt like a million birdies and I got a little dizzy. There was no transition of thought, or seconds between immediately thinking of dying. What if my heart stopped right here, right now? What if I had a heart attack right now? Would they be able to get to the defibrillator in time? Would it even work? Or would I leave this life from a gym, just like him? Just as the thoughts come, they are gone as fast as the drip rolling off my nose. I’m onto jump squats and other thoughts…until the drive home.
2 days prior:
It happens randomly, but I will search for an email I thought I deleted and one from Dan will pop up. Usually they are one of the inconsequential, what’s for dinner? Should I stop at the store? Do we need dog food type, but not this one. This past Saturday morning, I searched, “Classic” in my email (thinking that I deleted the email from Classic Photography with the proofs of school photos.) But somehow, this love letter popped up. I’ve gone back and forth to share some, share in its entirety, or to not share at all.
Before you know my decision, know my train of thought. Back to the drive home...
I'd had a shit day. The workout (and my team who makes me laugh even on the hardest days) were the highlights. I HADN'T REALIZED IT UNTIL JUST THEN! It’s that time of year. That stupid chest constricts for no reason, check the expiration on my Zoloft-just to make sure I didn’t get a bum batch, time of year! I think back to the gym and how in a flutter of heartbeats, sweat, and seconds, I’m creating my own chaos. I am thinking about the trauma me falling out would cause the 10+ ladies working out next to me, I think briefly about how dying in a gym might be poetic in a sick kind of way. Then, I think about the love letter email. Although I don't remember getting that email, and it wasn't one that stuck with me, I thought about how amazing it must have made my early 20-something self feel. I thought about how typing it must have only taken him second, but it was flooded with emotion. Things are so different now, I am different now, but love isn't different. In many ways, it's better because of my past.
I began to float into thoughts about MY love letters. The ones I write in my heart every day, but don’t say/send nearly as often I as I should.
I haven’t written a love letter to Nick in ages. A real , thought out, from the heart love letter. One that expresses my gratitude, my appreciation, my promises, my whole heart. My sister. We say, I love you, in every text, But the love letter isn’t recent enough. My Dads (plural), time is racing by and I need them to know my heart. Lawson and Levi, my love letter to them is just beginning. I want them to LIVE my love letter. It may take us all of 30 seconds, but lets make someone feel amazing by letting them know that they take up special space in our hearts. SO,
To My Nearest and Dearest,
May you always feel from me the importance of your, “peachy teas” (Bud Light, Miller Light, wine, High Noon, Seltzer, Mich Ultra, IPAs, etc. 😂) in my refrigerator, and your left behind dirt piles in my car. I cherish them, because I cherish you. Cheers to the carefree(ness) of 20-something love, and the strength and durability of the adult love we work hard for. ❤️ Enjoy:
T,
I hope you had fun this weekend. I cannot wait to see you tonight. Just to hug you will feel so good. Last night I was smoking a cigarette on the porch and was so disappointed to not turn and see you sucking on a Marb light. While I was lying in bed I just smelled the comforter and your pillow forever. Just the smell of you makes me feel good. Then this morning while I was making lunch I opened the fridge and saw your peachy iced tea in there. I couldn't help but smile thinking of your pretty lips taking sips. In the car I looked down and saw where you stepped in the dirt and brought it in on my newly vacuumed car mats. I thought about how they were the most precious dirt piles ever because they had come from the bottom of your feet.
In short, every part of my life has been touched by you. And I love it. I could never live without your
porch smoking or smells or iced teas or dirt piles. My life has come to one defining point. And everything else that I do is only a peripheral non-issue surrounding my all important you.
I love you and can't wait to see you tonight. Have an awesome day.
Love, Dan
(Circa 2004)
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