It ALL Matters

     I never stop writing as it is my paired therapy to running, but I've neglected to post the thoughts due to shame. As I've read over my own words, images of my friends' trials and tribulations flood my vision, and I feel too blessed to post any sort of self-sadness, emotionally-charged sentiments. I have friends who have had their children ripped away from them by the evils of cancer as well as mental illness. Friends that have children with severe disabilities and/or disadvantages that will add obstacles to their lives that no parent can ever be prepared for. Friends that want babies more than anything in the world, and have been denied. Friends that have grown babies that are now lost to addiction or other evils presented by our broken world. 

    I feel as though if I post a "hardship" or concern, the public opinion would be of me as an attention-seeker. Someone who needs those care-hugs, hearts and thumbs to feel important. That's far from it. My "it" is that I feel compelled to be an open book. I am compelled to share openly about hurt, sorrow, illness, joy, and health...anything that may in some way help someone else that identifies with similar struggles.

    I started this blog to have another outlet to bleed my thoughts after losing my husband. It was the start of a silent-strong-type friend that walked with me while losing my mother. Words on a page carried me during the loss of Levi's twin sister. Pleading with the keys on a Surface Pro at 2:00 in the morning kept me from following through on some of the darkest thoughts I've ever had. On the celebratory side, I've gotten married, had children, moved twice, gained best friends, been on epic trips, just to name a few throughout this winding road I've shared with you. All of life's adventures matter. All of us matter, no more than the other. Together if done right, we have the opportunity to change someone's mind, to turn an attitude around, to right an injustice, to lift each other up. 

    I believe very strongly in one word. POSITIVITY. The remainder of this post is not to illicit attention in any shape or form. My family's struggles are far from what others have gone or are currently going through. My purpose is to share how positivity, when spread into the world, really matters. How you treat others matters. It ALL matters. 

Recently Lawson has been diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea. This is not rare in children and is normally treated by the removal of tonsils and adenoids. What makes it a little more rare for Lawson, is that she has already had that procedure. After receiving her sleep study results, we were referred back to her ENT to have the "sleep study for dummies" version explained to us since everything we read was a foreign language, as well as scary as shit. Lawson and I saw a doctor at that practice that was not her former surgeon, and she treated me like I was the biggest idiot she'd ever had to come in contact with. Her first words to us were, "I see here that Lawson has sleep apnea. We treat pediatric sleep apnea with the removal of tonsils and adenoids, and we have already done that, so I am not quite sure why you are here?" 

Can you all just take a minute and picture my what the actual fuck face right now? 

When I very nicely asked her to explain a little bit about the apnea and what our next steps might be (since yes, she had the surgery, but also yes, she still have apnea AND I had already Dr. Googled other reasons this could be happening). She said, "So you want me to look in her nose?" YES YOU MEAN UGLY-SPIRITED, SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN, DO SOMETHING! THIS IS MY CHILD!! (That was my inner voice.) I replied, "Yes, please". When all was said and done, she said, "I don't see anything significant" whatever the hell that means, and got up to send us on our way. My head was spinning my woogy spots were creeping up the side of my face. I took some belly breaths (thanks Second Step) and asked if she wouldn't mind taking a minute to explain the results of the study for me. She crinkled up her face like I just asked her to give me one of her kidneys, and said, "I am not sure what you don't understand. You either take her to a dentist/orthodontist or back to a sleep study to be fitted for a CPAP machine. Whatever you choose, do it fast because she is not breathing 10+ times an hour, a night." 

    I held it together until I got home and had a minute away from Lawson so I could angry cry. After the cry, Nick and I made a plan. I was also able to talk to my sister who always puts things in perspective. We made multiple appointments with multiple specialists to get answers for our girl. J was able to help me see that because of the lack of care this ENT gave us, we were more determined than ever to advocate for Lawson's health. 

    Her next appointment was to the Orthodontist. The doctor here took XRays and scans of little miss's face and mouth. She explained that Lawson has a very narrow air passage and her small arches and jaw could possibly be narrowing this air passage even more at night. She then pointed to the sinus cavity in the XRay and said, "I want to also show you this mass/lesion here." If you know me, you know that I immediately had to go to the bathroom unsure of which end it was going to come out of first. Upon my mind's reentry to reality after mentally (and literally) losing my shit, she explained that she believes it to be a mucus retention cyst. She was sending the scans to an oral/facial surgeon to take look. She was calm, and thorough, and gentle when explaining it all to Lawson. She stayed with us until she was sure we understood (and possibly certain that I wasn't going to pass out as the color was returning to my face). I thanked her for all of her time, her care, her perspective. I left feeling scared, but also knowing there was a plan. 

    About an hour later the oral surgeon called me and said that he would like for Lawson to come in for a CT scan. My insides were shaking like I was 6 Mountain Dews and an expresso deep. I told him that I am a giant spaz and that I would lose sleep until her scan if he didn't give me his opinion on what he thought it was. His voice was so kind as he told me he believes that it is, like the ortho suspected, a mucus retention cyst. Phew. Not a certainty, but better. April 5th she will have her scan and we will know for sure. I thanked him so much for calling personally and taking the time to talk with me. I thanked him for never making me feel like he had somewhere else to be or that he was on a time crunch. His response warmed (and calmed) my heart. He replied, "Dr. St. Bernard (the ortho) called me personally this morning. She told me how kind and appreciative you and Lawson were. She asked that I take great care of you." 

And....there it is. POSITIVITY matters. What you put in the world can and will come back to you. 

    Lawson's next steps are the CT scan and then a John's Hopkins Pediatric Sleep Center and Pulmonary Medicine appointment. Moving forward for any of my family's health care needs, we will just Ariana Grande that shit if it isn't the vibe we seek, "Thank U, Next". 

    This is me sending positivity and prayers to all of my aforementioned friends trudging through their own obstacles that life has put in the way. Send some our way if you're up for it, and may your positivity come round in special ways back to you. May He also hear you and comfort you. In the meantime, I see you, and I am on your side...this side of the negative.