Not My Anniversary

 Fifteen years ago (tomorrow) we got married. Fifteen years is the blink of an eye. Fifteen years is a lifetime. A million different events and "winding roads" can materialize in front of you. Would this really be our fifteen year anniversary? Would we be happily divorced and I refer to him as my Was-band? Would we be tumultuously divorced with hurt feelings, lacking closure? Kids? No Kids? A million different things. We will NEVER know. 

Here's what I do know. When someone leaves us in the physical form, pieces of them continue to remain in the fabric of our being. I carry Dan with me in so many aspects of my life, especially laughter. He loved to joke, he loved even more than that to tease me, and because of that, I have learned to be pretty good at being the brunt of jokes. 

I also know that marriage is hard. Nick and I now have 10 years under our belt and never once would I say it's been a cake-walk. We have however, fought hard and created a beautiful family. 

I know that since 12/31/09, I have never once planned anything in advance without the slightest (or biggest) feeling of anxiety knowing that plans are never really up to us. I have tried to never leave the house or let Nick or the kids leave without saying, I love you. Lawson has picked up on this and doesn't even leave a room without saying, "I love you." It is precious and I hope she never stops. 

I have also never once given up completely because my faith, my family, my friends, and the spirit of the ones that have left me, push me to keep my head up. (Side note-Tupac did that for me too when I was teenager.)

 Carrying Dan with me doesn't mean I live in the past, or love Nick less, or anything that some people conjure because they've never been in my shoes. It means that with his memory and my moms, and the memories of all the other people that I have loved, I create a framework of fibers that begin to mend the hole grief leaves behind. 

The hole is never repaired, but it can be patchworked with new love and new hope. 

06/07/08 is not my anniversary. It is a day of remembrance and gratitude for those traits and fibers given to me by a great man. 

Many of you reading this have been on this journey with me since the beginning (and for some reason continue to see it through!! LOL)  Thank you. Now... go jump in a pool with your clothes on, take a shot of Patron, squeeze a lemon in your drink, dance like no one is watching, dance like everyone is watching, and keep loving the ones you have as hard as you can.