Sleepless Nights

I don't sleep well anymore. I lay awake most nights with my mind just racing back and forth between my 2- part world. The other night I was too tired to sleep. I lay on "my side" of the bed just staring at the indentation Dan made on our matress on "his side." All of a sudden, and without any warning, the tears pooled out of my eyes. This kind of crying calls for a lot of blowing and many tissues, however, I was paralyzed by the sudden pain and grief. My tears, as they often do when they are this fierce, turned into anger. Mad seems such a benign word to express what I feel in these Earth shattering moments when the reality that Dan is never coming back hits me. I felt so alone. Even my boys were laying on their bed on the floor, instead of in bed with me. My crying seemed to only disturb their slumber. (Until I finally blew my nose, and Marlo hopped up like I let a moose out in the bathroom!)

I got out of the bed and grabbed my journal. I started to write a letter. I wasn't sure if I was writing it to God, Dan, or myself. I realized I was writing to Dan, and expressing my anger toward God. I struggle with the saying, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away." If He really thought I had strayed enough to need an intervention, a smaller message would have been fine....taking my husband though? The other half of me? The person I was sure He put on this Earth to be mine in the first place? Like I said, I struggle with it.

I asked Dan in the letter to bend God's ear for me, because I was too mad to speak to Him directly. Dan always had an amazing way with words, and I am positive he interpreted and passed along my conflicts very eloquently. All of my emotions eventually drained out of my eyes, and I was able to rest.

Last night, my sleeplessness wasn't as eventful. I turned on the T.V. and watched the movie 'Public Enemies'. There was a part where "the bad guy"(Johnney Depp) was asking "the good guy"(Christian Bale), if the eyes of the people he has killed kept him awake at night. Christian Bale doesn't answer, but askes, "What keeps you awake at night?" Johnney Depp replies, "coffee."

Oh, if only that were my reason for sleepness nights.