Tick Tock

Today marks exactly 7 months since Dan left this Earth for his new home in the sky. I am not sure why I count the days and months since he's gone. It's not like I will hit the year mark, and everything will be back to normal, or at month 9 or 10 Dan will come walking back through the door yelling, "Honeyahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" Either way, I still count. Tomorrow will be 7 months, 1 day...and so forth.

I remember little things about that cold wet night in December that changed my life forever. I remember the doctor's face, Billy's audible gasp, Heidi's and Eileen's tears, the nurse who held me. I needed my sister, immediately. I couldn't dial her number, I only remembered Dan's. I dialed 410-507-1627, 410-507-1627, over and over again. It was a nightmare, it had to be. He would answer, and I would wake up. There was no way I was actually trying to call my sister on New Year's Eve because my husband, my other half, was gone, forever. It was a nightmare, but a living one. A nightmare that I continue to wake up to every day.

If you knew Dan, you would know that he would be disappointed if he thought I was writing all of this as a pity party or to make everyone cry. So I intend to celebrate my accomplishments in these past 7 months. Things that may seem trivial to the non-widow, but huge steps in my healing process. Things I never thought I could do as I rode home that night watching the rain stick to the windows of the Durango, and wondering when everyone would eventually go home, so I could end my own life and be with Dan. Of course that was a fleeting thought, and never happened. My life meant everything to Dan, and I am determined to live it as only Dan could.

January- 6th 2010, I buried my husband. The entire month of January is a blur. I slept on the couch, and my sister never left side. (Which is huge b/c I didn't shower regularly either, so she MUST love me!!!) She didn't work for that entire month and well into February. My mom came over every night after work. My neighbors (who are my dearest friends cooked me every meal) All of my girls from Germany to San Diego to right here in Maryland, never left me.

February- 8th I turned 30; February 9th Dan would have been 31; "Team Tiffin" had a schedule and I had a friend to sleep on the couch with me every night; I started running again.

March- I returned to work, I started sleeping my bed again, I decided run the Country Music Half Marathon in Nashville. Dan and I had signed up to do it together, and I wanted to finish the race for him.

April- Team Shriz completed the half marathon. I started to truly smile and laugh again.

May- I started to dread June.

June- The 7th would have been our 2 year wedding anniversary. My girls took me to the beach, and we honored Dan, his love for life, his love for me, and our love for him.

July- I signed up for 2 upcoming half marathons. I am going to continue to run races to honor my love. Team Shriz is going to travel the States! Dan continues to run with me. I feel him in the wind, I see him in the birds, I hear him as my feet pound the pavement, I taste him in the sweet sweat that runs off my brow, and I smell him in the air.

I don't know when I will stop counting the days and months that have passed since losing my Dan, but I do know that every second I am alive to count, is one I will cherish. Life is short, live it well.