Yesterday was Saturday, October 2, 2010. It was a day full of abundant sunshine as well as love. Douglas Wade and Eileen Treder became Mr. and Mrs. Wade on one of the most beautiful days we have had all year.
Sitting outside at the beautiful park, the sun was warming every one's face, and the smiles of the happy couple were warming every one's heart.
It was the first wedding I have attended since losing the man I pledged to spend my life with. I was apprehensive about the emotions I knew would slink upon me, but so far was doing well. The officiant spoke eloquently and beautifully a speech about love, respect, and bearing all things that life brings together, as a union.
"Together as a union": bearing all sorrow and tragedy and anything life lays upon them. Here is where my tears start. What happens when the tragedy is that life itself is taken away and that union of two now becomes one? I know what happens, but I don't want to know anymore. I paid my dues, I've made great strides in my healing, but now, right now...I want my husband back.
Doug wore his "Dan Bracelet" through the ceremony. More tears. The officiant spoke of remembering the friends who were no longer with us. Audible gasp, harder tears.
My thoughts: Tiffin, Remember why you are here, this is not about you. This is a ceremony of utter happiness. Get it together. Stop imagining Dan by your side. Stop remembering how he kissed the corners of your eyes when you cried. Picture him saying, "lock it up T, lock it up." Get a tissue, take a breath, focus.
Just then...
The wind picks up. He is here. He wrapped his arms around me I heard him tell me to let go of the sorrow and give up my pain to the wind that was him. Let it sail away, T, just be free.
The entire wedding from start to finish was perfectly magnificent. The bride and groom glowed. There were moments where I couldn't stop my tears, but my rejoicing for the happy couple superseded all. Doug and Eileen will have a life of prosperity and euphoria, this I know.
Today I wanted to sit at Dan's grave, dig up the hard dirt, and cover myself with it. I want to feel the peace he feels. I want to just be still. Again, I hear him: T, stop. Your turmoil is wreaking havoc on your spirit. Others need your spirit to be strong, you need your spirit to be strong. Don't beat yourself up for moving forward in your life, I am so proud of you. There is nothing that you can do now that will make me love you any less. Our love reaches across both of these worlds. Just live, my honeyah, please live on.
I knew I would have these days, where I stood on my new life's foundation and angrily kicked it down. I also know that I am able to rebuild, especially with the love I have from my friends and family. Tomorrow I will work hard, stand tall, live on. But tonight, I will let myself cry.
I am so proud of you. Your STRENGTH was as abundant as the sunshine. 3 steps back? All I saw was a superwoman. Black high heels on a stoney path, shoulders back, head held high. I'm surprised I didn't see you in a red cape with a fierce "S" on your back. You knew it would be a difficult day and you showed up anyway. That's a step forward. You knew there would be tears and you showed up anyway. That's another step forward. You knew this was another "first" of so many more firsts. You showed up anyway. The third step forward. I am so happy you brought your strength and smile- through the toughest of times, a hero emerges. And you are my hero.
ReplyDeleteI love you, that's all I have to say, I just love you.
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