9 Months

It was the last day of December when he left this Earth, today, nine months later, it is the last day of September.

Even though the rain sliding down my windshield this evening reminded me of that tragic winter's eve, I must admit, the emotions I have felt today have been more prideful than pitiful.

I am proud of how I have handled this journey so far. I have had severe lows when the only time I resembled human was when I was punching, pounding, or bellowing noise from the depth of my soul, as well as, highs where I have laughed so loud and so hard that my eyes water and my sides hurt. I appreciate every high, low, and in between because it solidifies that fact that I am still alive, and I can still feel.

During this ninth month of September, two perfect bodies and souls entered this world. Tucker Gavin to his parents Olivia and Chris, and Sloane Theresa, to her parents Sharon and Brian. I had the privilege of holding both of these miracles only hours after their arrival. The perfection of an infant is incommunicable, the beauty defies description. I look at the (both) first time mothers and admire their ability to be so harmonious with the new life that was just laid upon them. The doting fathers, the snapshots, the smiling friends and family, this is what God had in mind when he created the world. The short while of blessed innocence and pure joy in an otherwise broken and harrowing world, this is perfection.

I was meant to do this. I thought Dan and I were meant to do this.

Tonight at dinner with my dear friend Katie, we laughed, loved, and shared as we always do. There are never any secrets between Katie and I, and tonight we even reached further and learned more about one another. Her and I were unaware until tonight that we have shared a few bricks that have helped build us into who we are today. (Smart, beautiful, funny, amazing, wonderful people in case your were wondering, wink wink.) It wasn't a realization that we shared, because it's something I've known, however, we shared an awareness that it was not in my plan to have a child with Dan. It is a (very disguised) blessing that we didn't have a child that would have had to endure some of the same tribulations and distress Dan endured growing up.

God knows, and I'm learning.

9 months symbolizes many things for me tonight, as you can tell. One of them being that I'm acknowledging the phenomenon that I can do this. I will do this.

I will be a mother one day to hold and protect sweet innocence of my own. I won't just be a mom, but I will have a family. I will love again and I will let someone love me. I will be a strong (brick) foundation that friends and loved ones can and will lean on in their times of need.

I will do all of these things, but if and only if, it's in His will.