Title-less

I am screaming on the inside. A deep, creeping up from the toes, and exploding like the outer casing of a Jiffy-Pop, kind of scream. We have all had our share of grief, some more than others. But now, this grief is one that we are all sharing together...yet so far apart.

Personally, I am grieving my job. I never wanted to sit behind a computer or be any kind of tech support. I knew that my animated face and silly/juvenile sense of humor was better suited on stage. Not that stage, but the one in front of sweet faces with their futures, a vast blue ocean in front of them, and I am one of their lighthouses along the way. Never again will I take for granted the opportunity to pull a student to the back table to work one on one with a difficult subject. I will never underestimate the power of a reassuring hand on a shoulder and eyes that say, "It's ok, let's try again." I will from here on out, when I am with my students again, take a mental snapshot of every smile, every lightbulb that suddenly goes bright, all of the big and all of little...all of the things.

I am grieving self care. My hair, I don't even know what to say about it. My makeupless face, because, well, what's the point? All those pretty clothes in my closet and I wear workout gear 24/7.

I grieve alone-time. The only time I am alone is when I am on a run (and getting little pep-talks from Jill encouraging me to make sure I do eventually run home 🤣). When Nick offers me some time to be alone, I either run, shower, or sleep. Not because my body needs it, not because I am not getting enough at night, but because my mind needs it. If I am left to think, my mind creates more chaos than what I am already living, and that is too much to handle.

My children. Oh Lord, my children. The little centers of my universe, the suns of my sun, and the moons of my moon. Every little sarcastic smirk, nonstop machine gun talking, WE did that. They are little NickTiffins and IT'S AWFUL!!!! Zero degrees of separation from L&L. I tuck those little cheeks in bed every night and then in the millisecond of a blink, they are right there, with the early peekaboo of the sun, in my face, ready to start the day. And what day? The SAME day. THE SAME DAMN DAY AS YESTERDAY!!!

Every day as my anxiety fills, the me that I love, empties. The carbs ain't cuttin' it, and I feel my turtle shell growing larger and more obtrusive around me.

I know that even though I am, in most ways alone, besides immediate family, I am far from alone in these feelings. We can love our children and still want them to GO AWAY with every fiber of our being. We can connect with our students online, but still feel so far removed from the art of teaching, that we wonder, does this matter?, multiple times a day. We can put on the face mask and deep conditioner at night, but wake up in the morning and forget to brush teeth until 5.

I guess the the new title of my blog should be:  The woman, who is now 40 and not so young,  who used to be a widow, then had a mess of other really bad shit happen, and a ton of fantastic things too, and is now navigating a very narrow road of teaching from home, teaching her own kids, trying to still be a wife Nick wants to be married to, and a worldwide pandemic. Too much? Maybe just a little.

If there is ever a point to any of my writings, besides making me feel better, I hope that this touches another person that is struggling like a mofo right now too. Hugs.