A New Shade

I could't quite put my finger on it. Why I ended up crying so hard. The song isn't even that catchy, or good (in my opinion) and yet, there I was, short of breath and dying inside. Tim McGraw was singing about calling his mom, and that was all it took. It took a while to sort through the obvious, and get to the real root of the meltdown. Of course I miss my mom. Our bodies remember trauma, and not only is Mother's day coming up, her angel date just passed. But that wasn't it. It was the realization that I never had the opportunity to fully appreciate my mom while she was alive.

As a little girl, I thought my mom was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was cool, kind,  and even though I didn't quite understand it then, she was never left alone in a parking lot, or a mall, or the grocery store line for long without someone (usually a man) being drawn to her like a magnet. Men fell over themselves to load that black Mustang 5.0 with our groceries and buckets (literally buckets) of flowers appeared on our porch for years. She worked hard and prayed harder and I wanted to be just like her.

As a teenager, I thought I knew MUCH better than mother and we butted heads. I made some really bad choices and am sure told her I hated her once or twice. She never followed through with sending me to boarding school (although she probably would have if we had any money). But the local AAPD officer was part of her fan club and picked me up from school my junior year upon her request and my detest. As you can imagine appreciation ran very low these years. When I think about it now, and Lawson treating me like that in the future, or acting IN ANY WAY like I did, I want to cry and go back in time to throat punch my past self.

She never really approved of my bar-tending years and then Dan and I decided we were going to move in together pre-marriage, well, you can only imagine. I remember her coming to our house in Aspenwood, after we purchased it and not looking directly at the bed in the master bedroom. It made me eye roll, but still not appreciating the reasons behind her concerns. Then I think about that photo of her and Dan on our wedding day, as she is gently touching his smiling face. She had to be so pleased he made an "honest" woman out of me.

When Dan was tragically taken from us, my mom had a new role. She worked all day and then would come over just to lay eyes on me before going home. Or she would pray the prayers I couldn't pray and hug me until I fell asleep, head in her lap. Of course I appreciated her and she was mom, she was what I needed, but I was so far in the deep end of my grief, that I didn't realize the appreciation I had back then.

Then a short year and 5 months later, she was gone.

I remarried, had Lawson, got pregnant with twins, lost a twin, had Levi, settled into motherhood, it happens so fast. But the worst of the pain didn't begin until then. As I grew as a mother, the need for my own mother was ten-fold.

Yesterday, as that song played, and I snotted down my face in my car, fumbling for a brown crinkly glove compartment napkin, I looked upon a new shade of grief. Grieving the ability to properly appreciate my mom before I didn't have the chance to anymore. Appreciate her in a way that would make her realize what an impact she has had on me as a mother and as a person. I am different now than I was even 8 years ago when she was taken from us. I want her to see that in person. She really never had a chance to see the fruits of her effort in full bloom. There is no doubt in my mind that our relationship would have been closer than we ever were, right now. Right now as I am in the thick of little kids, behavior management, and elbow deep in glitter crafts and spider man string. Right now.  The "Three Muskateers" (J, mom, and I) I'm sure would still do our annual Christmas shopping, spoiling all children to the max. And my amazing sister would have less of a burden worrying about my anxiety and filtering all of my child-rearing questions. Bud would have to share the live video chats and grand-kid, "I love yous". I would have less of this emptiness.

Side note: A global pandemic and the results of such only add to my fifty shades of grief. Pretty sure all of you that made it to this point, could have read a million other things that made you smile instead of  turning you into captains of sadness, but I appreciate you sharing my road.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful mothers in my life. I will never waste a second letting you ALL know how much I appreciate you!