Every Day is a "First"

Since waking up on January 1, 2010, every moment has been a, "first." My first sunrise without Dan, my first sunset without Dan. From firsts as minuscule as the first time I drove, to the first birthday and holiday that passed since his fate. This past Monday, I conquered another difficult "first."

As you know, Dan and I married in June of '08 on a piece of property owned by two very close friends. John and Jackie were so welcoming of the idea that we would pledge our lives together...in their backyard! When I say, "backyard", most of you are thinking a swing set and possibly an above ground pool, this was not the case. The backyard I speak of is a portrait so perfect, Bob Ross would be jealous of it's colors and lines. When I think of the happiest day of my life, I see Dan and I standing on that landscape, the sun being the only thing brighter than our smiles.

Monday, I returned to this place. As I drove down the long white and rocky driveway, I remembered the morning of our wedding day. I was so confident in my choice of a husband (it's easy to feel that way when you are marrying your best friend) I felt zero nerves or even a twinge of stress. Allyson and I even drove to Dunkin Donuts to get bagels and coffees, I was only smiles. The scenery was just as beautiful as I remembered it. I parked my truck and looked out at the rolling water. I watched the two trees that we united between sway a little in the breeze. A doe and her fawn looked up, ears high, nervous tails twitching. They saw I posed no threat and actually continued to graze closer to me. I thought of Dan giving me this little gift of peace and serenity. When I stepped out of the truck, it became Olivia's day and not about me anymore. I was there to celebrate the soon to arrive precious baby boy she is carrying.

The set-up, the surprise, the food, the whole party, went off without a hitch. It was beautiful, and so was Olivia. As she was opening her presents, my sister and I sat next to one another. Of course we were watching Olivia, however we were also gossiping and laughing and being hilarious...well, we thought we were hilarious. Then it started. The first two notes, that's all it took for my heart to sink. My eyes met Jaime's and we were already crying before the words even started. The song that was playing was "Want To" by Sugarland. Dan proposed to me during this song at the Sugarland Concert at the Delaware State Fair, July 2007. He was asking me, "Do you like this song?" "Is this your favorite song?" "Do you love me?" ...etc. I was SO annoyed because it was my favorite song and I just wanted to hear her sing it!! Then he said, "Do you want to?" I looked over and he had the ring out and open, and said, "Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?" I don't remember any more of that concert. My life had just gotten better than I ever thought it could.

Jaime and I ended up walking down to the pier when people started to notice we were crying. We then exploded into laughter talking and thinking about how Dan's timing was ALWAYS so inappropriate.

I miss his inappropriateness, his sly smile, and his arms around me, however, it's little signs like that, that solidify the fact he is always with me.