I made it through today without tears. There was definitely the pang in my heart as I was driving home from work, knowing that I wasn't going to be able to run up the stairs to Dan's office and fill him in on the gossip of the day. As that pain moved from my gut to my throat and the lump began to form, I started to remind myself that he was there the whole time. I didn't need to "fill him in", he was with me in the meetings, he was with me as I fixed my desks (laughing no doubt about my weakness with the Alan wrench), and he was even with me as I hugged and smiled with people I hadn't seen in a while. I know he is always there, I do, however, I am here and I am only half of who I was.
With another school year comes another twist in my road. Who am I? The ty-dye sign outside of my classroom says, "Mrs. Shriner", but am I still Mrs. Shriner? I still have my wedding rings on, I dusted off our wedding photo that sits on my desk, I still feel married, but the truth is, I'm not. God, it hurts to say that. I deleted and rewrote that statement 10 times. I didn't ask to NOT be married anymore, this wasn't a choice.
Most of the students coming into 3rd grade know my situation. They will not ask why I go by Mrs. Shriner, but don't have a husband. What do I tell the other ones? Call me Ms. Shriner? Widow Shriner? (That just sounds scary) Maybe I should go retro like Prince and become a symbol. People will refer to me as, "The Teacher Formally Known As...." No matter what anyone calls me, it's going to hurt.
Mrs. Shriner is just a reminder of the husband I no longer have. Ms. Shriner makes me feel like I was never married, and I refuse to go back to my maiden name. As much as I loved being Tiffin Lilly, I was so proud to take Dan's name.
I am going to continue to wear Dan's name proudly, no matter how much it hurts. We promised to be Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Shriner forever, however, for us, forever was entirely too short.
Girl, hang in there! Markers of time, like the start of a new school year, can be very difficult, just a reminder that our husbands are still gone. Wow, and what to call yourself now...I never had to deal with that and I can feel your struggle. I'm proud of your strength to keep Dan's name, I would have done the same. You know, it's the little stuff (well, huge to us!) like this that no one warns us about and that no one else understands. Remember, you can always change it to Ator so you'd be Tiffin Ator...lol! Hope ya laughed. Peace & Hugs from KY!!!
ReplyDeleteMy cousin passed away 12 years ago this November and his wife is still "Mrs. Davis", even after another relationship which gave her 2 children, she continues to be "Mrs. Davis" and I just LOVE that about her!! She still continues to honor a man's life & a relationship that was cut way too short!! Whatever name you use (Widow Shriner reminds me of reading the Scarlett Letter in 10th grade :) you will always be a strong, incredibly brave, beautiful young woman!! I hope you have a wonderful school year, with your Dan by your side the entire time!!!
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