Tonight I am laying down thinking about the last time I saw Dan's body, still, and cold. He was wearing the black button down shirt and gray pants I bought him. I bought the outfit for him to wear New Year's Eve, he wore it 6 days later. I kept looking at his face thinking at any moment he was going to open his eyes, part his lips, blink and yawn. I held his hands, they were the only thing that still resembled my Dan.
It's nights like tonight, when I close my eyes to pray, I find it hard to thank the Lord for my blessings. Don't get me wrong, I know I have been blessed in many ways and in many facets of my life. That being said, I also have moments, like now, when I feel punished. I find myself asking God, begging rather, not to take anything else from me. It's not, "Thank you for this and thank you for that or please help someone else and lift so and so up". It should be, but it's not. God was the only thing I clung to weeks and months after Dan's death. Then, all of sudden, I can't pray unselfishly anymore. I find myself asking:
"Lord- Please let Marlo and Gunner live forever. I know Gunner ate 2 pair of underwear today, don't let it hurt him. I know Marlo ate the entire cantaloupe, let him pass it. Keep my sister, Buggy, Ry, and folks safe and happy. Please don't take any of my friends or family. I can't go any lower than this, Father, I wouldn't be able to go on."
I have these thoughts that Dan was taken from me to bring me down a notch, to teach me something. I start to panic when I think what might happen if I haven't learned the lesson I am supposed to learn yet. I refuse to live in fear. I hate thoughts like this. I need this to pass.
I need to believe that my God knows the sadness of this place, that he is holding me and understands my anger. He forgives me of my faults, instead of punishing me for them.
For those of you out there who bend The Almighty's ear, think of me. I am again, being selfish in my request, however, when I get back to a praying place, I promise to return the favor.
Oh Tiffin: so eloquent. I have such a difficult time talking to God since this all happened. I try, like you; but it's oh so hard. I had a standard prayer that I said every night of the nearly 14 years we were together, but now it just doesn't apply (I'd give thanks for our good health, among other things). Anyway, I believe we'll get back 'there', one day. Hugs to you. Lori in San Diego
ReplyDeleteTiffin,
ReplyDeleteYou're strength is astounding and inspiring. It must be therapeutic to document all of these emotions and experiences that you are having. You have many people behind you and many people praying for you.
Much love and admiration to you -
Danielle Pastin
Continue to pray for the things that you need God to provide that give you comfort as you continue on this journey and KNOW that you are held high in prayer by all of us who love you so dearly. However, when I pray about keeping your precious boys safe, I might add in a word or two about helping Gunner out with his current pantie eating addiction. LOL.
ReplyDeleteLove You Beyond Words.
Tiff,
ReplyDeleteTake solace in that the Lord does know what you're going through. He lost His Son, His only son, to save us. I know there are times like these that it's hard to remember that but, know He understands. Know also that there are many people out here who love you deeply. You are not alone, not by any means. It's been 4 years for me and there are times when I still feel the way you do. It's in those times that I find I NEED to count my blessings, before I forget that I have them. Nothing lasts forever, so remember that this too shall pass. The good days won't ever be as good as they used to be but the bad won't always be as tough.
Much Love,
Jen