House of Cards, No More

Today I made a realization. I should probably rewind and start from the beginning:

I woke up today and completed my routine just as I have for the past 8 months. Take care of the boys myself, take care of the house myself, take care of myself...well that one's debatable. After my run, I mowed the yard and did laundry. This was all accomplished with no tears, it was accomplished on auto-pilot. Here is my lightning bolt (I would say Ah-Ha moment, but Oprah uses it so much, it's ruined for me.) I have been rebuilding my life one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time for eight months. However, I am rebuilding without substance. I felt like I've been rebuilding pretty well, and at times, I've even stepped outside my world and said, "wow, good job, this new place is okay." But, this "new" place is a house of cards. A blink, a sneeze, a tear, a breath, will send it crumbling again.

It takes a tactical master to place each card just so. The constructor is focused on placing that one card, however, in the back of his mind he is worried about all the other cards. One false move could start a terrible chain reaction. I have been this "constructor" worried about how my activity might affect someone else, or, how my activity might affect someone else's view of me, worst of all, how it might affect my view of myself.

I've heard recently; "You look amazing, didn't take you long to bounce back", "You just healed up so nice" or, my personal favorite, "Doesn't look like your living in the past, anymore, good for you." I hear things like this and I start to think, "Am I not grieving properly? Should I be wearing black every day? I guess I shouldn't go out with my friends, at least not in public!"

HOLD UP! This is my life, and I am still alive. No, I am definitely NOT ALL HEALED UP. Now that you've brought it up, I am actually happier when I am thinking of the past, I wish I could live there. And, if "bouncing back" means I have stopped having thoughts of suicide, then yes, I guess I have "bounced back".....Idiot.

I have been so concerned with how people are perceiving me (or my grieving, rather) that building a house of cards was the only option. Other people are less than half the problem, though, I am my own worst enemy at times. I immerse myself in the routine. I put on the smile. There is not ONE second that passes that I don't curse my loss and at times my life. My sadness is always there, so when I am around people I like to fill the other places of my soul with their joy and their love for life. One day, I will be able to wake up and feel truly happy, I have faith in that. Because of that faith, and because I have grown weary of "going through motions", I huffed and I puffed and I blew that frangible house down tonight.

I enjoyed a beautiful day with wonderful people, but I came home and cried my eyes out. It was a wonderful and much needed release. Tonight I broke ground and placed my first brick. I am going to build this house and it's not going to be delicate, like the other one. I will slap a brick on here and there, and I am sure some days I will tear one down. But, one thing is for sure, when this new place is finished, it will be the strongest, tallest, sturdiest, and safest place to be.

I will be proud of it, because I built it for myself, by myself.