Dan's Heart

Every morning begins in relatively the same way: Get up, turn on TV so I can listen to the news in the shower, after the shower I take care of the boys. (Well, first I have to pull the pillows away from the faces they've burrowed under them and wake the sleeping princes.) Then I continue watching/listening to the news as I get ready.

Yesterday morning I awoke to a story about a walk this Sunday that is taking place close to my home, at Centennial Park in Ellicott City. It's the 2010 Howard County Heart Walk. ANY run/walk/fundraiser that benefits our lives and the lives of ones we love is amazing. However, that's not where my mind was while listening to this story on the news. I wondered if Dan and I had gone to this walk last year, would he have gotten a "free heart screening?" Would we have been able to find out that his heart was impaired and needed fixing? Would he have listened?

My husband dies of a cardiac arrhythmia, at 30 years old, that was never detected and never reared any of its ugly signs in all of those 30 years, not even through intense physical training/work of the Marine Corps. Can you tell that I am still terribly stuck on the WHY??? I'm not looking for anyone to really answer that question for me, because I know they can't. I won't find out the why until I meet The Maker and he Makes it all Make sense. Even though I am not actively seeking the answer to why, I still scream it out loud and cry it to sleep.

This morning I woke to another story on The Today Show. A young married couple is being interviewed. The 28 year old wife suffered a heart attack in their home. The husband performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. She did not have a pulse and was not breathing on her own for 72 minutes. After 72 minutes, she stabilized. Her road to recovery has been long, but today, her and her husband are walking to promote Heart Awareness.

I know it is coincidence that I turned the television on to these two stories. I know that "happy heart health" and the "happily ever after" of the couple this morning was not specifically created to plunge a dagger within my own heart. I KNOW THIS, so WHY do I perseverate on the WHY?

I do it, because I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. I miss my lover. I miss my partner. And as terrible as it sounds, I am jealous of those people who still have theirs. It is awful to admit this, and I considered not even publishing it, but it's true. Anyone who knows me, knows I ONLY wish happiness for everyone and their spouces. Not just happiness, but a long prosperous life together too. I can wish and want all of those things and still be envious that I am not included in that category anymore.

I'm going out for a run now. I might not be running to raise money or awareness or to support, I'm just not there yet, but I am going to run for Dan, as I always do. Run for our love, run for his legacy, run for his heart...in every sense of the word.